That’s right, Peyton Manning is basically Ryan Fitzpatrick – without the dope beard, Harvard degree, ability to escape the pocket and a mildly strong arm.

You know, now that I think about it, I would probably rather have Ryan Fitzpatrick right now. The Jets are 4-1 and have a better running game and offensive line to complement the limited quarterback. It’s mind-blowing we’ve reached this point.

But fantasy football is a ruthless bitch sometimes. Six weeks through the season, the only thing I can think about is Peyton Manning’s noodle arm and how it’s killing fantasy teams everywhere.

The list of idioms I can think of to describe what it’s like watching Peyton Manning play football right now is starting to read like the dude’s eulogy. It’s like watching a car wreck in slow motion from the most unnecessary scene in a Tom Cruise action movie that has a 4.3 rating on IMDB.

He’s fantasy toast. Period. Don’t try and argue me about it.

If you own Peyton Manning in any type of league format, it’s time to let go. He’s like that ex that keeps pestering to get back in your life. I mean, that’s essentially what the 73-yard touchdown to Manny Sanders on Sunday was, right?

As in, that 4 am “I miss you” text.

Put him on your bench. Trade him for some peanuts. Whatever you do, don’t start him. When the weather gets colder, which 24 years of experiencing nature tells me it will, Peyton is going to look even worse.

And the schedule gets tougher with St. Louis, Green Bay, San Diego twice, New England, and Cincinnati after the bye week.

Now that I got that off my chest, let’s move to story time.

The first tale? Never be this guy. Ever.

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You’re smart enough to know that I didn’t forget to set my lineup before Thursday. You’re also probably aware that ‘Dab Marino’ is a peasant fantasy team name. So, yes, I’m ‘A Real Shady Orgy’ and gave this kid an old-fashioned ass whooping.

But even though the resounding victory moved me to 4-2, it wasn’t fun because absentee owners ruin fantasy football.

I was so annoyed that I plugged this kid’s optimal lineup in myself to see if it would have made a difference. It wouldn’t have, because his team isn’t good. But the point still stands.

Either participate or pass the sticks to someone else.

My second story is about one of fantasy football’s greatest aspects: Sweating out a win during the primetime hours of Sunday and Monday.

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You’ll see that I got away with one here. My bench has both John Brown and Travis Benjamin on it, and somehow I was able to stave off Tom Brady, Andre Johnson and Rueben Randle with Andrew Luck and Shane Vereen in the week’s final two games.

I’ve come to realize that sweating out a fantasy win in primetime is the biggest reason I even play. I live for that shit. I mean, what’s more fun than getting so emotionally invested in something that your psychological well-being for the next week is on the line?

Oh, that’s not healthy? Too bad.

That’s the essence of fantasy football, and experiencing the highs, lows, jubilation and annoyance of fantasy in the same week in two different leagues is about the only theme you could need from Week 6.

And screw Peyton Manning.