Typing out the entire first round schedule – including tip times, channels, and even announcers – really makes the NCAA Tournament feel that much more real.

It’s actually here.

Welcome to the No. 1 week for employee morale, otherwise known as your employer’s own personal hell and the Thursday-Friday that every teacher in America solidifies themselves as a huge dick.

Per usual, gambling is for entertainment purposes only, kind of like lighting off bottle rockets and skateboarding into traffic. I am not responsible for your inevitable slide.

Announcers are via the NCAA‘s website and all times CST because we live in Chicago, you minions. Lines via scoresandodds.com.

Tuesday, March 15th (First Four)

(16)Florida Gulf Coast (-6) vs. (16)Fairleigh Dickinson

5:40 p.m. | Dayton, OH | truTV
Andrew Catalon, Steve Lappas, Jamie Erdahl

Again, I want Fairleigh Dickinson to go as far as possible so I can keep writing ‘Fair Dick’ on my bracket.

(11)Vanderbilt vs. (11)Wichita State (-3)

8:10 p.m. | Dayton, OH | truTV
Andrew Catalon, Steve Lappas, Jamie Erdahl

Vanderbilt is a solid 2-7 vs. the RPI top 25 and lost to Tennessee in the SEC tournament. The Shockers are free cheese.

Wednesday, March 16 (First Four)

(16)Holy Cross vs. (16)Southern (-2.5)

5:40 p.m. | Dayton, OH | truTV
Carter Blackburn, Mike Gminski, Jamie Maggio

What a troll job it would be if Bill Carmody led Holy Cross to a win in the tournament.

(11)Michigan (-4) vs. (11)Tulsa

8:10 p.m. | Dayton, OH | truTV
Carter Blackburn, Mike Gminski, Jamie Maggio

Tulsa doesn’t deserve to be in this tournament so I hope they get housed. Also, screw Frank Haith’s cheating ass.

Thursday, March 17th (First Round)

(4)Duke (-11) vs. (13)UNC-Wilmington

11:15 a.m. | Providence, RI | CBS
Ian Eagle, Chris Webber, Len Elmore, Evan Washburn

I don’t know a single player on UNC-Wilmington but I’m sure there aren’t any as douchey as Grayson Allen.

(8)Texas Tech vs. (9)Butler (-4)

11:40 a.m. | Raleigh, NC | truTV
Kevin Harlan, Reggie Miller, Dan Bonner, Lewis Johnson

I have zero interest in watching this game, but the general rule in 8-9 games is to take the team with the best player on the court and that’s Butler.

(8)Colorado vs. (9)Connecticut (-3.5)

12:30 p.m. | Des Moines, IA | TNT
Jim Nantz, Grant Hill, Bill Raftery, Tracy Wolfson

UConn in March. Move along.

(4)Iowa State (-8) vs. (13)Iona

1 p.m. | Denver, CO | TBS
Andrew Catalon, Steve Lappas, Jamie Erdahl

Iona is going to be a popular upset pick with Iowa State’s collapse vs. UAB in last year’s tournament still fresh on the mind. Gaels getting points is nice, but the Cyclones prevail.

(5)Baylor (-5) vs. (12)Yale

1:45 p.m. | Providence, RI | CBS
Ian Eagle, Chris Webber, Len Elmore, Evan Washburn

How is this line only five points? Baylor’s size should bully Yale around and the Bears win by double digits.

(1)Virginia (-24) vs. (16)Hampton

2:10 p.m. | Raleigh, NC | truTV
Kevin Harlan, Reggie Miller, Dan Bonner, Lewis Johnson

Lay the points with the one seeds, it’s free money.

(1)Kansas (-26) vs. (16)Austin Peay

3 p.m. | Des Moines, IA | TNT
Jim Nantz, Grant Hill, Bill Raftery, Tracy Wolfson

See, above.

(5)Purdue (-9) vs. (12)Arkansas-Little Rock

3:30 p.m. | Denver, CO | TBS
Andrew Catalon, Steve Lappas, Jamie Erdahl

Purdue is going to make a deep run but first they’ll have to deal with UALR. I’ll be taking the nine points, but the Boilermakers win the game.

(3)Miami, FL (-14) vs. (14)Buffalo

5:50 p.m. | Providence, RI | TNT
Ian Eagle, Chris Webber, Len Elmore, Evan Washburn

Buffalo is about to get Hurricane Sheldon McClellan all over them.

(5)Indiana (-12) vs. (12)Chattanooga

6:10 p.m. | Des Moines, IA | CBS
Jim Nantz, Grant Hill, Bill Raftery, Tracy Wolfson

Chattanooga +12 is the easiest bet you’ll ever make in your lifetime. Indiana is a joke.

(1)North Carolina (TBD) vs. (16)Florida Gulf Coast/Farleigh Dickinson

6:20 p.m. | Raleigh, NC | TBS
Kevin Harlan, Reggie Miller, Dan Bonner, Lewis Johnson

Unfortunately, this is where my ‘Fair Dick’ scribbles ends.

(3)Utah (-9.5) vs. (14)Fresno State

6:27 p.m. | Denver, CO | truTV
Andrew Catalon, Steve Lappas, Jamie Erdahl

Fresno State is the type of team that will shoot themselves in the foot or into the next round. If this line jumps to double digits take the points and run.

(6)Arizona (TBD) vs. (11)Vanderbilt/Wichita State

8:20 p.m. | Providence, RI | TNT
Ian Eagle, Chris Webber, Len Elmore, Evan Washburn

I like Arizona against either team, that play-in game should be a slugfest.

(4)Kentucky (-14) vs. (13)Stony Brook

8:40 p.m. | Des Moines, IA | CBS
Jim Nantz, Grant Hill, Bill Raftery, Tracy Wolfson

Kentucky has to feel disrespected after beating Texas A&M in the SEC title game and then getting a lower seed. Poor Stony Brook.

(8)USC vs. (9)Providence (-1.5)

8:50 p.m. | Raleigh, NC | TBS
Kevin Harlan, Reggie Miller, Dan Bonner, Lewis Johnson

An intriguing 8-9 matchup of two insanely talented backcourts. Kris Dunn and Ben Bentil are the two best players on the court — Providence by five.

(6)Seton Hall vs. (11)Gonzaga (-1.5)

8:57 p.m. | Denver, CO | truTV
Andrew Catalon, Steve Lappas, Jamie Erdahl

Gonzaga is one of two lower seeds (8-9’s don’t count), that are favored in Vegas. That means Las Vegas is trying to trap you into betting Seton Hall simply because you see that “6.”

This was truly awesome though.

Friday, March 18th (First Round)

(7)Dayton (-1) vs. (10)Syracuse

11:15 a.m. | St. Louis, MO | CBS
Brian Anderson, Steve Smith, Dana Jacobson

Syracuse is in the tournament for some dumb ass reasoning. That means they’ll probably win two games.

(2)Villanova (-17) vs. (15)UNC-Asheville

11:40 a.m. | Brooklyn, NY | truTV
Verne Lundquist, Jim Spanarkel, Allie LaForce

‘Nova will win at least one game and cover one spread before imploding and taking a shit all over your bracket.

(7)Oregon State vs. (10)VCU (-4.5)

12:30 p.m. | Oklahoma City, OK | TNT
Carter Blackburn, Mike Gminski, Jaime Maggio

This is the second lower seed to be favored and it’s another instance where I think you lay the points. VCU is simply a better team.

(4)California (-7.5) vs. (13)Hawaii

1 p.m. | Spokane, WA | TBS
Spero Dedes, Doug Gottlieb, Ros Gold-Onwude

Hawaii is going to be a very popular upset pick. I don’t see it. Cal is loaded with NBA talent. Cal rolls over the Rainbow Warriors even though I do think they are a good team.

(2)Michigan State (-18.5) vs. (15)Middle Tennessee State

1:45 p.m. | St. Louis, MO | CBS
Brian Anderson, Steve Smith, Dana Jacobson

The ‘T’ in MTSU stands for trounced. Sparty rolls.

(7)Iowa (-7.5) vs. (10)Temple

2:10 p.m. | Brooklyn, NY | truTV
Verne Lundquist, Jim Spanarkel, Allie LaForce

Temple is going to beat Iowa straight up, so common sense would say to grab yourself those 7.5 points, as well.

(2)Oklahoma (-14.5) vs. (15)CSU-Bakersfield

3 p.m. | Oklahoma City, OK | TNT
Carter Blackburn, Mike Gminski, Jaime Maggio

Buddy freaking Hield.

Fran Fraschilla’s call of this shot is what dreams are made of.

(5)Maryland (-9.5) vs. (12)South Dakota State

3:30 p.m. | Spokane, WA | TBS
Spero Dedes, Doug Gottlieb, Ros Gold-Onwude

A 12 is going to upset a 5 seed, just as one always does. It won’t be here but SDSU will cover this spread.

(7)Wisconsin (-1) vs. (10)Pittsburgh

5:50 p.m. | St. Louis, MO | TNT
Brian Anderson, Steve Smith, Dana Jacobson

I like Bucky Badger in a tight one. One-point spread means Wisconsin wins by one.

(3)West Virginia (-7) vs. (14)Stephen F. Austin

6:10 p.m. | Brooklyn, NY | CBS
Verne Lundquist, Jim Spanarkel, Allie LaForce

West Virginia is getting overlooked in the East region. I like WVU to make a deep run, but they better not look ahead because SFA is a damn good team.

(3)Texas A&M (-13) vs. (14)UW-Green Bay

6:20 p.m. | Oklahoma City, OK | TBS
Carter Blackburn, Mike Gminski, Jaime Maggio

A&M has nothing to worry about here. Should walk over Green Bay.

(1)Oregon (TBD) vs. (16)Holy Cross/Southern

6:27 p.m. | Spokane, WA | truTV
Spero Dedes, Doug Gottlieb, Ros Gold-Onwude

I expect the line to come out for this one somewhere around -30.

(2)Xavier (-12.5) vs. (15)Weber State

8:20 p.m. | St. Louis, MO | TNT
Brian Anderson, Steve Smith, Dana Jacobson

Do the bookmakers know something I don’t? X feels like a 20-point winner here.

(6)Notre Dame (TBD)vs. (11)Michigan/Tulsa

8:40 p.m. | Brooklyn, NY | CBS
Verne Lundquist, Jim Spanarkel, Allie LaForce

I’ll take Notre Dame up to six points vs. Michigan and 60 vs. Tulsa. I hate Tulsa that much.

NCAA Tournament

Just an FYI, Shaq Harrison plays for Tulsa.

(6)Texas (-4) vs. (11)Northern Iowa

8:50 p.m. | Oklahoma City, OK | TBS
Carter Blackburn, Mike Gminski, Jaime Maggio

Northern Iowa isn’t just going to cover the four points, they’ll win the game outright. Texas is more inconsistent than the stock market.

(8)St. Joseph’s vs. (9)Cincinnati (1.5)

8:57 p.m. | Spokane, WA | truTV
Spero Dedes, Doug Gottlieb, Ros Gold-Onwude

Flip a coin: Heads is St. Joe’s, tails is Cincinnati.