We are less than a week out from the 2016 NFL Draft. That can only mean one thing.
It’s time for my one and only full 1st round mock draft.
Frankly, you guys are lucky this year. I almost opted not to share my extensive draft wisdom with you. Mock drafting takes way, way, way too much time to never be right. But, I see guys like Mel Kiper and Todd McShay still employed with their nice hairstyles and shit, so I figured what the heck. I’ll do one.
The month of April has been a crazy one, to say the least. The Los Angeles Rams and Philadelphia Eagles both traded away loads of picks to move up to No. 1 and 2 respectively — likely for the top two quarterbacks in the draft.
I don’t really get it. NFL Draft Twitter places this premium on drafting quarterbacks really high. But what if that quarterback sucks balls? You know, like Jared Goff and Carson Wentz both do. I’ll never understand why we’re glued to this idea that just because you’re the “best” quarterback in the draft, you’re the best player in the draft too.
Oh well, I’ll never know. Rant over.
1. Los Angeles Rams — Jared Goff, QB, California
So much for that anti-shitty-quarterback rant I just went on. The fact of the matter is NFL teams value QBs higher than anything else, especially when you don’t have one. Which the Rams don’t.
2. Philadelphia Eagles — Carson Wentz, QB, North Dakota State
North Dakota State? They know what a football is up there? I’m calling bullshit. I’m also calling BS on Carson Wentz as a good NFL prospect.
3. San Diego Chargers — Jalen Ramsey, CB, Florida State
Jalen Ramsey is the modern day replica of Sean Taylor. Yo, RIP. Rest in peace to every wide receiver or running back that has to catch wood from Ramsey during his long NFL career.
4. Dallas Cowboys — Shaq Lawson, EDGE, Clemson
At first, this was Joey Bosa from Ohio State. But he has some off the field stuff like smoking too many drugs so his stock is sure to drop. Though I’m not sure if that makes much difference in the eyes of Jerry “Let’s Sign Greg Hardy” Jones.
5. Jacksonville Jaguars — DeForest Buckner, DE, Oregon
If a tree falls in De Forest does it make a sound? Buckner’s going to make some serious noise in the NFL tho.
6. Baltimore Ravens — Laremy Tunsil, OT, Mississippi
A lot of people believe Tunsil to be the best offensive line prospect since last year’s top offensive line prospect.
7. San Francisco 49ers — Joey Bosa, DE, Ohio State
Chip Kelly doesn’t care about drugs and Joey Bosa is white so he’s literally the perfect prospect for Uncle Chip.
8. Cleveland Browns — Paxton Lynch, QB, Memphis
The Browns traded out of the No. 2 pick because they like Lynch over Wentz and Goff. Moving down to 8 and adding picks and getting their man is the best series events to happen to Cleveland since The Drew Carey Show.
9. Tampa Bay Buccaneers — Ronnie Stanley, OT, Notre Dame
The Buccaneers have a budding offense that needs protection and Stanley is one of the best. Plus, he gets to keep a golden-ish helmet on.
10. New York Giants — Sheldon Rankins, DT, Louisville
The Giants are in a bit of a confusing spot, as per every Eli Manning face ever made. They’ll go with the best player available approach with their first round pick.
11. Chicago Bears — Myles Jack, OLB, UCLA
Myles Jack has a case for being the best player in this draft, but a knee injury has him sliding down draft boards like Gronk slides down slides. Jack will end up as good as Gronk is one day and the Bears make off like bandits.
12. New Orleans Saints — William Jackson, CB, Houston
The Saints secondary has more holes than the last pair of pants I donated to Goodwill and needs a cover corner to help shore things up.
13. Miami Dolphins — Ezekiel Elliott, RB, Ohio State
The Dolphins have done their best the past three years to prove that running backs are a wasted position. They missed the playoffs three years in a row.
14. Oakland Raiders — Andrew Billings, DT, Baylor
Andrew Billings is the Baylor defensive lineman from Baylor you didn’t hear about. He shits on Shawn Oakman tho.
15. Tennessee Titans — Jack Conklin, OT, Michigan State
Like the Browns, the Titans trade out of their shiny pick to add draft capital and still get their man. That’s what we call great GM work.
16. Detroit Lions — Eli Apple, CB, Ohio State
I wanted so bad for Eli Apple and DeForest Buckner to get drafted by the same team so I can say something like “the Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree in De Forest.” I Am Pun King.
17. Atlanta Falcons — Jarran Reed, DT, Alabama
The Falcons front four is a bunch of pee wee asshats that shrivel at the point of contact. Jarran Reed is massive run-stuffing human being. Swipe right.
18. Indianapolis Colts — Taylor Decker, OT, Ohio State
Is he an offensive lineman? Yep. OK, mock him to the Colts.
19. Buffalo Bills — Chris Jones, DT, Mississippi State
With the Ryan Bros. virtually running the show in Buffalo right now I’m safely going to take out a second mortgage on the first mortgage that I don’t have to bet the Bills draft defense in the first round.
20. New York Jets — Darron Lee, OLB, Ohio State
The Jets are your cookie-cutter BPA-style team. Darron Lee is the best player available at 20, so my work is done.
21. Washington Redskins — Laquon Treadwell, WR, Mississippi
Treadwell went from the best receiver in the draft hands down to just another guy. The Skins needs size at the position and a new team mascot.
22. Houston Texans — Will Fuller, WR, Notre Dame
DeAndre Hopkins could use a little help out there, wouldn’t you say?
23. Minnesota Vikings — Josh Doctson, WR, TCU
Like death, drafting wide receivers come in threes. Doctson won’t need to acclimate much as he’s very used to wearing the color purple.
24. Cincinnati Bengals — Vernon Butler, DT, Louisiana Tech
The Bengals need a wide receiver stat after losing two very mediocre ones. But there’s nothing worth reaching for at 24 which means they’ll probably reach for one at 24.
25. Pittsburgh Steelers — Vernon Hargreaves III, CB, Florida
Undersized but a feisty little peanut. You can bet that Hargreaves will excel in Pittsburgh where everyone who was passed on seemingly excels.
26. Seattle Seahawks — Ryan Kelly, C, Alabama
Words do not encapsulate how badly the Seahawks need offensive line help.
27. Green Bay Packers — Leonard Floyd, EDGE, Georgia
There are three absolutes in life: Death, taxes, and not knowing who the Packers will draft.
28. Kansas City Chiefs — Corey Coleman, WR, Baylor
Projecting what Corey Coleman will become is like trying to pee successfully while drunk. Kansas City is a nice fit for him, though.
29. Arizona Cardinals — Kevin Dodd, DE, Clemson
Are we so sure the Cardinals don’t need to be drafting their quarterback of right now after Carson Palmer’s 15 interception playoff game last year?
30. Carolina Panthers — Artie Burns, CB, Miami
A reach, but losing Josh Norman means you’re replacing him with a B-squad buster. Burns is at least a B+.
31. Denver Broncos — Robert Nkemdiche, DE, Mississippi
As long as he doesn’t get higher than Denver and try and jump out of any windows, he’ll be fine.
32. New England Patriots — Vacated for being cheating assholes.