This isn’t your everyday Christmas movies list. I’m not your Grandpa and I don’t care about It’s A Wonderful Life, nor do I care about Miracle on 34th Street.
Classics, yes. But not my classics.
I’ll be real, I haven’t watched any of those movies since I was like four years old and I don’t plan on watching them ever again.
Instead, here’s my failsafe catalog of Christmas movies that aren’t painfully obvious Christmas movies.
How The Grinch Stole Christmas
At times Dr. Seuss’ How The Grinch Stole Christmas can get a bit annoying. Specifically, Cindy Loo Hoo gets on my last nerve at times. But the come-to-life version of this classic has always been about the message and The Grinch kills it in that aspect yet again.
Let’s see, a hilarious take on a “Christmas Carol” starring Bill Murray and a ton of other funny people? This movie often flys under-the-radar around Christmas time but I would rather watch this Scrooge version than the original any time of the year.
Ah-ha! I bet you forgot that Rocky IV is actually a Christmas movie AND a sports movie. If we’re being real, it’s probably the best Christmas Sports movie of all time. Rocky traveling to Russia to avenge the death of his best friend amidst the Cold War and Christmas time? Instant classic.
The Santa Clause
I just really love the part where Tim Allen gets obnoxiously fat and grows a gray beard. That’s high comedy. But with Christmas as the centric theme of this 1994 flick, it’s a shoo-in for my painfully obvious Christmas movies collection each holiday season.
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
I mean, Val Kilmer. That’s all you really need to know about this one. But lest we forget that Kiss Kiss Bang Bang basically reinvented Robert Downey Jr. — as a petty thief who somehow gets mixed up in a whirlwind twin murder, naturally. Christmas and action go together like peas and carrots.
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
Is there anyone in this world more relatable than Clark Griswold? The answer is no. Everyone has a little Griswold in them and that goes right down to the dynamic of the family. I’ve also never been more interested in a Jelly of the Month club than I was after I saw Christmas Vacation.
Randy Quaid man, Randy goddamn Quaid.
The plot of this movie is dumb as hell because I don’t care how rushed you are, nobody leaves their eight-year-old kid at home when going on a long trip. That’s just the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard. But when you get past that, it’s a fucking fantastic movie.
Everyone is a little Kevin McAllister. Everyone at some point dreamed of fending off bad guys with hot irons and broken ornaments.
Easily Will Ferrell’s best role ever outside of Ron Burgundy. Remember to stick to the four main food groups – candy, candy canes, candy corns and syrup – when you’re watching Christmas movies.
I refrained from hitting you with this curveball at number one – but hands down, no questions asked, without a doubt; Die Hard is the best Christmas movie ever and it’s not close.
Hans Gruber, John McClain, Al Powell, Karl. Oh my, the list of dope characters in this one goes on and on.
Yippee Ki Yay and Merry Christmas, mother fucker.
A Christmas Story
I know I just went all ‘anti-classics’ in the intro, but since A Christmas Story was made in the 80’s I’ll give it a pass. Plus, who can’t relate to Ralphie or his dad? Everyone’s dad is a bit like Old Man Parker in some way.