Lights are strung, it’s red cup season at Starbucks, and ABC Family is ramping up their “25 Days of Christmas” Christmas movies run. Yes, the holiday season is upon us.
But if you’re bored with watching classic Christmas movies like Elf, Christmas Vacation, and Die Hard (that is totally a Christmas movie), then enter the strange world that is terrible Christmas movies.
Much like “25 Days of Christmas”, here is a list of terrible “3 Days Until Christmas” movies to laugh, drink, and be merry to.
At first this movie just sounds crappy – 28 year old Georgia (Rachel Boston from 500 Days of Summer…I know, right?) is a fashion assistant who goes to her High School reunion hoping to get with “the one that got away”.
This story looks like it was written by someone who still hasn’t shaken off that Mean Girls obsession and said, “you know what would be awesome? If we made a Mean Girls movie where they’re all at their High School reunion.”
I mean look at this:
Four frenemies – a ringleader blonde, dumb blonde, brunette, and the dorky redhead who kind of doesn’t fit with them?
A weirdly sexual Christmas song?
Oh, and the real kicker, actual Aaron Fucking Samuels?
That’s right. The guy who played Aaron Samuels is in this movie as the love interest of Georgia – aka knock-off Cady Heron.
Besides being a Mean Girls fanfiction. this movie is just bizarre. Case in point, “the one that got away” didn’t get away – Georgia dated him and he cheated on her with pretend Regina George. Plus, she is 28 years old and still hung up on some jock from high school? Girl, take a lesson from Frozen and let it go.
Between Georgia’s crazy eyes, Aaraon Samuels hair (which totally does look better pushed back), and the group of 12 extras that make this look like the world’s smallest high school, this whole movie is just strange…and it’s totally worth a watch.
And no. Fetch still isn’t happening.
This movie is exactly what it sounds like: an American version the classic Dickens story, A Christmas Carol that relies on literally every easily available white trash stereotype ever.
When Cindy is told her kids might be taken away from her for unfit parenting, she…doesn’t really do much of anything. Instead, four ghosts – her friend “Jake Marley”who just died from a paintball accident, her mother, and recently deceased rock star (whose name I can’t even find because the IMDB page leaves most of the characters unnamed), have to convince her to be a good mother and person.
Ok…so it’s very very loosely based on Christmas Carol.
Besides missing an opportunity to name the main character “Carol”, the most shocking part of this movie is the strangely impressive cast . Taylor Manning, our “Scrooge”, is Pennsatucky in Orange is the New Black, Wendi McLendon-Covey was in Bridesmaids and is in The Goldbergs, Beverly D’Angelo is the mother of all Christmas movies mothers as Ellen Griswold in Christmas Vacation, and Meat Loaf is, well, Meat Loaf. They’re not A-listers, but they definitely fit into the “they should have known better” category.
At the very least, if you ever wanted to see what Pensatucky was like before her time at Litchfield? This is your prequel.
“This movie has everything: Santa with nunchucks, comedic Arnold Schwarzenegger, human reindeer…”
“Wait, Stefon, what…what are human reindeer?”
“It’s that thing you know where Arnold Schwarzenegger punches a midget in the face so their nose gets red and they fly across the room.”
Jingle All The Way stars Arnold Schwarzenegger as a suburban dad just trying to find a wildly popular toy called Turbo Man (which totally sounds like it could be a spinoff of this film starring Ahnold). So he literally spends the entire movie punching his way through crowds and getting chased down by reindeer to get this toy.
Arnold Schwarzenegger in a comedic role is already a strange choice, but combine that with just the general weirdness that were kids movies in ’96 and you get a true comedic gem.
Some will argue this film is a commentary on commercialism. I’m not going to give it that much credit. This movie’s so bad that it’s definitely worth watching. But if you just want to hear a hilarious description of it, check out the How Did This Get Made? Jingle all the Way podcast episode.
These are just some of my favorite baddies, and an easy honorable mention would be Deck the Halls starring Danny DeVito and Matthew Broderick wondering where he went wrong.
But if you just can’t get enough, check out literally anything on the Hallmark and Lifetime channels this time of year, brace yourself, and enjoy.
(Featured photo courtesy of theglobeandmail.com)