Now that we have the technology to give our beloved sci-fi classics a CGI makeover, we’re living in the age of fancy sequels like Jurassic World. And it’s left loyal film nerds of the 80’s and 90’s concerned to say the least.
I mean, is nothing sacred anymore?
I’ll give credit where it’s due – while Jurassic Park‘s science wasn’t exactly Bill Nye-worthy, Jurassic World’s dino science is actually feasible.
But for all Jurassic World gets (relatively) right science-wise, it’s still toying with classic films like the scientists toyed with nature in Jurassic Park – and I can’t just not say anything.
Thus, here’s all the ways Jurassic World decided to say “fuck you” to science.
7. The Mosasaur Pool
We’ll start with a bit of a shallow detail. (I swear that’s the last unintentional pool pun)
In the trailer, a big ole Mosasaur jumps out of this pool Shamu-style to chomp down on a nice Great White lunch to the amazement of the Jurassic World patrons.
But if you look closely at the scene, the water in that pool doesn’t look like it can be too much more than 60 feet deep. And the mosasaur jumping out of it? 60 feet long.
Just for comparison, a 25-foot long Orca needs a 50-foot deep pool. So a 60-foot Mosasaur jumping vertically out of a pool that size? Come on, man.
6. Plucky The Dinosaur
I’m the billionth person to point out the bald Velociraptor in the room, but it must be done.
Since the mid-90’s, we’ve known that dinosaurs – mainly the ones like raptors and tyrannosaurs (cough theropods) – definitely had feathers. Fossils have been found with feathers, toys have been updated, even Jurassic Park 3 did something right by giving the raptors a small feather-like crest.
Including the one that looks at Alan Grant and says “Alan.”
5. The Sauropods’ Necks
The nit-picky nerd glasses are definitely going on with this one.
Sauropods – the ‘long-neck’ dinosaurs for you Land Before Time connoisseurs – didn’t have curvy necks. It’s a circulation thing, and they probably wouldn’t have that flexibility. In the Jurassic World trailer, the longnecks look like dinosaur toys that cave people from the year 1940 would play with.
You might as well just put a bunch of Jeff Goldblum heads on the dinosaurs as a weird Jurassic Park/The Fly mashup. Now that would be awesome to watch.
4. The Freakin’ Glass Pods
“We’re going to have a tour where you drive next to 30-ton reptiles. You know what we should put guests in? Definitely all glass bubbles.”
I’ll be honest, this isn’t really science. It’s just common sense.
3. The Raptors
To be fair, this isn’t a Jurassic World issue – it’s an issue that has been in any Jurassic movie since Spielberg.
But it must be said – these aren’t velociraptors. Because velociraptors were about the size of a Golden Retriever. I know, I was as bummed as you are.
However, there is hope on the science front – the raptors in the movies technically match up to velociraptors’ bigger, sexier cousin, the Deinonychus.
We’ll let this one slide purely because ‘raptor’ sounds cool.
2. General Survival Instincts
I know, I know – it’s a movie about messing with nature. But there’s that, then there are things that don’t make any sense.
Like Jurassic World‘s new dinosaur.
“She’s a highly intelligent animal. She’ll kill anything that moves.”
A highly intelligent animal would never kill anything that moved, whether for sport or for food. A highly intelligent animal would be boring and preserve its energy and not risk itself attacking things like 30-ton sauropods for fun.
And then there’s this quote by confused Jurassic World park employee No. 2:
“You got 20,000 people, you don’t have enough boats, you don’t have enough guns…”
You’re telling me they made an island full of dinosaurs and didn’t think having enough boats was a good idea? I guess it’s not like anything’s ever gone wrong before…oh wait, everything has.
This is like the goddamn Titanic of amusement parks.
1. BD Wong, Though
The biggest scientific anomaly of all.
Seriously. Does he not age? The scientists should stop focusing on bringing dinosaurs back and start focusing on finding the fountain of freakin’ youth that BD Wong bathes in every morning.
Aging processes aside, I’m still absolutely going to see Jurassic World this weekend and you should too. It’ll be a super fun time – just don’t plan on learning much.