I hate lists.
They’re lazy, pointless, and attributing to our generation’s already dismal attention spans (or lack thereof).
See the thing about a list is it’s the easiest thing for an author to write. You can take any topic, no matter how trivial or small-minded, and use numbers to stretch it into a full-on piece of content. Most of the points aren’t even complete thoughts, and they’re grasping at straws – yet a list makes it seem well thought out.
Half of these lists repeat themselves, saying basically the same thing twice and then going on to elaborate on it twice. It’s the reason internet rags like Elite Daily can throw out 45-60 pieces of slop content every day – because there will always be an endless supply of cat pictures and first world problems to make a list out of.
Click, click, ka-ching. That’s what clickbait do.
And we, the consumers, actually love Elite Daily lists, because we know that those big, scary paragraphs will be broken up into numbers, helping us see exactly how much is left before we have to go back to work.
I don’t expect to free the average joe from his clickbait addiction overnight, but hopefully by exposing just how ridiculous, redundant, and generally soul crushing some of the ‘columns’ on Elite Daily have gotten – I can make the world a slightly better place.
Lists are vain, vapid, unsubstantial and considered by some (idiots) to be journalism. In their honor, I decided to compile the most dogshit Elite Daily lists ever to grace the internet.
The worst part? I only had to go back like two weeks for most of these.
13 Ways to Make Sure You’re the Most Hated Girl at Brunch
And the academy award for the most basic bitch post of the year goes to…
12 Reasons Why You Need to Get Off the Pill and Get an IUD Right Now
For those who don’t know, an IUD is an intrauterine device and is the contraceptive that goes inside the lady parts. And you need to put one inside you. Put contraceptives in your uterus RIGHT NOW. DO IT. NOW. RIGHT NOW.
I Really Don’t Know: 13 Struggles Indecisive Women Face on The Reg
Only in America would deciding what to do be considered a “struggle.” You know what is a struggle? Deciding whether to risk attack by wild animals as you journey twelve miles through a desert to get water for your family. That’s a hard decision.
19 Typical Snapchats All Girls Send and What They Actually Mean
Apparently they only mean three things:
I got drunk.
I had sex.
Sounds like that could be a list of three….
10 Reasons Why Millennial Women Shouldn’t Be Scared to Use the F-Word
Wait, women are scared to use the F-Word? Since when?
Oh, you mean the F-word as in ‘Feminism.’
Wait, women are scared to say Feminism? Since when?
15 Ways You Love ClassPass, But Actually Hate it at the Same Time
What is ClassPass? Should I know what this is? Did it really deserve its own list? What is a list? Who am I?
18 Signs You’re the Scary Spice of Your Group Even if You Deny It
This was just a list of 18 Spice Girls GIFs and bullshit bravado.
Oh and also, I do NOT deny it.
13 ‘Nice’ Things People Say When You Look Like Shit and What They Mean
Isn’t mingling with other humans just the worst?
Don’t worry, Elite Daily has a bunch of oh-so-sassy rebuttals for you to feel empowered while you’re visibly hungover.
10 Trendy Terms Only Basic 2000s Fashionistas Will Understand
This is oddly specific. Also, I knew most of these. Am I a basic 2000s fashionista?
19 Time Having Resting Nice Face Absolutely Ruins Your Life
We all know how unfortunate it is to be cursed with resting bitch face, but did you know that having a resting nice face actually ruins your life? It’s like, I don’t want to be unapproachable, but I also don’t want to be like, always approachable.
19 Reasons Why Friends Who Cleanse Together, Stay Together
Lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and water = the recipe for BFFs.
Cold pressed juices are the strongest bonds of friendship.
Lube Is In The Air: 10 Signs You and Your Partner Are Ready For Anal
Lube in the air? That’s how you get pink eye.
They Go After What They Want: 7 Reasons Entrepreneurs Have Better Sex
This is purely speculation and was based on absolutely zero scientific facts, therefore it should be considered journalism.
48 Thoughts You Have When Taking an Uber Home Drunk
#1-24 Should I get Taco Bell?
#25-48 Nah, I’ll just go pass out.
Best list ever.
12 Pairs of Zip-Off Pants That Have Been Waiting for Warm Weather
Ok, admittedly this one was pretty funny. We’re clearly running out of subject matter though.
13 Potatoes That Look Like Channing Tatum
Go to hell.
Love and Pain: 7 Reasons Why Girls With Tattoos Make Better Lovers
OMG tattoos are so edgy.
15 Completely Logical Reasons Why You Should Date a Girl With Tattoos
Permanent skin art: the epitome of logic. And they’re edgy.
24 Completely Logical Reasons Why You Should Date a Man With Tattoos
Wait, what’s Elite Daily’s stance on tattoos though?
21 Struggles of Just-Sort-of-Kind-of Speaking a Second Language
Why is everything a f*cking struggle with these writers? You’re ruining the integrity of an otherwise solid word.
3 People, 3 Places, and 4 Things People From Denver Are Accustomed To
What, you couldn’t just do things? Bringing in additional nouns was necessary? I feel like you could maybe do this in not a list… maybe something different… I think they’re called articles?
19 Reasons Not Giving a F*ck is the Greatest Superpower You Can Have
Nope, not a superpower.
7 Steps to Realizing You’re Totally Worth It All and Owning It
Ya know, if there’s one thing our generation really need more of, it’s constant affirmation of our self-worth. New title for this list – “Entitlement: You deserve more of it!”
8 Reasons There’s No Better Vacation Than One Along the Pacific Coast
I can think of ¾ of the world’s population who may disagree.
5 Nosy Questions Writers Are Sick and Tired of Being Asked
I have never been asked any of these questions.
Also, if you’re going to be a ‘writer’ you need to learn to have a thicker skin—or get better at sarcasm.
A List of 8 Reasons Girls Like to Make Lists
A list within a list within a list??