Think about it – did George Washington ever have to worry about his enemies streaming the #SOTU on YouTube?
No, he didn’t.
George had no enemies, probably because he was a man of his word. That, and the fact that his annual union speeches were short and to the point (the inaugural State of the Union address in 1790 was only 1,089 words long).
Luckily, most of the plans proposed never make it out of the building. So yes, the ignorant can sleep soundly for another blissful night. But while the peasants sleep, the vultures hover overhead.
We’re the vultures in this situation. So don’t be a peasant (like this guy). And instead, join me in discovering the most gloriously uneventful night of the year:
The 2015 State of the Union Address
Tonight’s speaker is somebody our audience may not necessarily have heard of – but that’s okay. You’re a millennial. You don’t abide by the status quo, and for that we thank you by extending our condolences.
Now sit back (or stand for health benefits), relax (or stress out because you had no clue #SOTU was on last night), and get ready for one of the wildest rides of your life.
This isn’t your average 6,493 word speech (probably because no speech should be 6,493 words). Step aside Frank Underwood – there’s a new sheriff in town. And by sheriff I mean President. And by town I mean country.
It’s Barack Obama.
He’s the person giving the speech.
And here’s our translation of it:
7:48 PM – The live stream is now active. Birds eye view of the room – the ever-awkward meet and greet has begun. Male politicians shake hands and exchange words.
7:53 PM – Bored already. Let’s play Where’s Waldo while we wait. I spy with my little eye…an army of Apple product placements!
8:00 PM – I get an odd feeling looking above the stage at the House of Representatives and their army of Macbook Airs. It’s like Steve Jobs is looking down from the heavens over his kingdom.
(Future focus study question: Is Steve Jobs actually God?)
8:04 PM – The event still has not begun, [insert joke about why Obama was late].
8:06 PM – Some dude just slammed a gavel and stood up screaming at the top of his lungs, “MR. SPEAKER. THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.”
How did this guy even get hired? And what does he do outside of this one line of the year? Call Bravo – reality television in the making.
8:07 PM – Two things to take note of so far.
- This procession takes forever, and there’s no way all of those claps are real. Definitely some SFX going on behind the scenes.
Barack Obama’s Kiss Count hit an all-time high of 15. Eight white women, seven black women. So much for equality, Barack. At least no men were on the list this year (I’m looking at you, George W.).
8:08 PM – ‘Awkward Moment of the Night’ goes out to the woman in the yellow track suit getting denied any sort of affection from the President.
8:09 PM – Finally BO is at the podium. People have begun to stop clapping…except for that one guy.
8:10 PM – “Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Members of Congress, my fellow Americans…”
President Obama just hit his highest total viewership of the night. And now it’s declining rapidly.
8:11 PM – First topic of the night? Economy. Money in the bank, shorty what you drank?
Well, you drank poison suckled from Obamas’ royal teat. Supposedly our economy is growing and creating jobs at the fastest pace since 1999. Show me some correlative statistical data behind this one.
8:15 PM – Obligatory 9/11 salute? Check.
Falsely claiming that the resulting combat mission in Afghanistan is finally over after six years? Discount double check.
8:18 PM – These women won tickets to the #SOTU through a PBS raffle. Yes, their outfits were color coordinated.
8:22 PM – We are at the point in the night where the President tries to use the art of story telling to garner rapport with his audience through a compassionate & uplifting tale of the so-called “quintessentially typical American family.”
This year, the lucky raffle winners were newlyweds Rebekah and Ben Erler of Minneapolis. She waited tables; he worked construction.
Their son’s name is Jack.
If you’re struggling to visualize the Erier family in your head, you’re not alone. Obama and his staff chose the lamest family in the US of A (I’m talking Steven Glansberg lame).
If that’s the American dream, then how bad is the American nightmare?
8:34 PM – Have you ever heard of middle-class economics? Me neither.
President Obama says it only works when everybody plays by the same set of rules (except the political class). Looks to me like another meaningless phrase.
What was the over/under on the number of times Obama uses a meaningless phrase just to poll well? On that note, what other bets would Vegas think up for #SOTU?
Here’s what I got:
1. Number of times Obama is interrupted for applause.
2. Number of times Obama succeeds in talking over applause.
3. Number of times Obama says “Get it Done”.
4. Number of times Obama mentions a city in Pennsylvania.
5. Number of times Obama mentions a city in Ohio.
6. Number of times Michelle fake smiles.
7. Number of times the camera pans to a random white dude.
8. Number of people that fall asleep.
9. Number of people that don’t fall asleep.
8:42 PM – Sometimes the topics that the president chooses to talk about are somewhat self explanatory in my book. Affordable healthcare? The right to vote? Equal pay for men and women?
This isn’t 1955 – talk about something we don’t already know.
8:45 PM – FREE COMMUNITY COLLEGE.
You heard me right. More-so, you heard Obama right.
“I am sending this Congress a bold new plan to lower the cost of community college — to zero.”
Zero for qualifying students; an estimated $60 billion over ten years to the treasury. Can you say Christmas bonuses?
The Obama family will most likely spend their winnings on the annual family vacation to Hawaii. Barack usually hits the links with the guys while Michelle and the girls spend their remaining days at the house checking off BO’s daily chore list that he has his press secretary write up before tee-time.
Ah, the American dream.
8:52 PM – The President of the United States has now successfully endorsed Apple, Google, Tesla, the Pope, eBay, Instagram, UPS, CVS, the University of Iowa, the University of San Francisco, Disney, The New York Times, and old people.
“So to every CEO in America, let me repeat: If you want somebody who’s going to get the job done, hire a veteran.”
As the Black Eyed Peas once said, “Where’s the love?”
What about us Barack, the evil Millennials?
I’d bet all of my winnings from tonight’s prop bets, double or nothing, that I could beat a veteran at any task at any job in any industry on any planet.
And that’s a fact.
8:57 PM – I don’t understand why Barack would even try to bring up free open Internet. We all know that’s never going to happen (at least not until Barack and Comcast’s CEO stop playing fiddle-sticks on the weekends).
8:58 PM – In two months, some dude will begin a year long stay in space (idiot) in preparation for a space program that will send American astronauts to Mars.
Not Russian, not Chinese, not Canadian.
Stand proud, fellow Patriots.
8:59 PM – If you don’t know the story of Alan Gross in Cuba, it’s worth a read. Especially since Barack plans to begin the work of ending the embargo.
9:02 PM – What do the Patriot Act, the film Enemy of the State, and the following excerpt from last night have in common?
“No foreign nation, no hacker, should be able to shut down our networks, steal our trade secrets, or invade the privacy of American families, especially our kids.”
A conspiracy theory at it’s finest.
9:04 – Let’s assume President Obama saved the best for last with his final priority.
“No challenge – no challenge – poses a greater threat to future generations than climate change.”
14 of the 15 warmest years on record have all fallen in the first 15 years of this century. If that doesn’t scare the living daylight out of you, then you’ve been watching too many Nicolas Cage movies.
9:06 PM – Arguably the second most entertaining moment of the night goes to…
9:08 PM – President Obama’s ending statement – “I will do what I believe is best for America.”
Let’s compare Barack’s closing line to a certain Gettysburg Address by a certain Abraham Lincoln:
Honest Abe said, “A government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the Earth.”
So which one is it?
I, Barack Obama. Or, Abe & the People?
For once, the I’s don’t have it.
That’s the thing about the State of the Union address. It’s all about the politics – not the policies.
And until that changes, our Government will continue to fail in trying to attract the next generation of diplomatic leaders.
9:10 PM – That’s the show folks.
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