Today is April 1st, a.k.a. the worst day on the calendar to do what we do. As is, the Internet is a wasteland of what’s real vs. what’s fake, what’s reputable vs. what’s a hoax.
On April Fool’s Day an overwhelming amount of hoaxes—both by news and brand—flood social media in a despicable attempt to generate clicks and hollow laughs. It’s not funny. Not because we get duped by it. But because the half ass attempt trying to make it both funny and believable falls flat on its face.
Sure, pranking your friend can be funny. I’m writing this now after searching for a solid 30 minutes for the battery to my laptop keyboard. But for brands, it’s just shameful.
Here’s our comprehensive list of all the Internet douchebaggery that brands and news outlets went through just to get you to ultimately ignore them.
Vanderbilt students claim to have found a 50-foot skeletal squirrel.
No surprise here that the same university that produced Skip Bayless is making nerdy April Fool’s jokes about excavating a fucking rodent in the center of campus. This is the price of higher education.
Hooters is opening its own island in Summer 2018 because why not?
Instead of going to one of Hooters’ many outdated locations in the most run-down of shopping centers, you can just hit up their own private island to objectify women and eat dogshit chicken wings.
Vaping tongue rings are the new craze amongst Bernie Sanders yuppie smoker voters.
The call themselves The Freedom Smokers, for some odd reason. And their idea of a good April Fool’s joke is trying to convince me that 401 backers have pledged north of $3.1 million to their lame ass tongue rings.
Zack Snyder parlays the shitty Batman v. Superman into a Star Wars spinoff.
Hollywood is the one place in America where you can suck ass at your job and still make millions of dollars, so this one was slightly believable. Zack Snyder is a talented guy, but he’s not taking over Star Wars anytime soon.
If your friend offers to pick you up in a Lyft, politely tell him to fuck himself.
Lyft teams up with athletes all the time. It’s like their shtick the same way Uber gouges prices during arbitrary hours of the day. I mean, if Andre Iguodala can pPrank his teammate with something as obvious as “you got cut,” you’re even more likely to get jobbed.
Just a heads up if you see anyone licking their phone screens today.
Open Table picked today of all days to roll out their never-before-seen app that allows you to taste food through your phone. Not only is this not possibly the laws of physics, the laws of logic should tell you to boycott their app.
Former dog murderer Michael Vick attacked viciously by a Pomeranian.
It’s been a minute since Michael Vick ran from anything trying to attack him. I am not surprised a tiny little pooch Pomeranian was able to devour him. So much for that NFL comeback, Mikey. Happy April Fools’.
You can do yoga on a wooden mat now, otherwise known as the ground.
It comes equipped with a spot for your cell phone because that’s super necessary.
Pre-school becoming too pricey these days? No worries, there’s a loan for that.
Don’t fret if you can’t handle the $40,000 price tag on your four-year-old’s Northeastern boarding school. They’ll hand out loans like candy so he or she can build with blocks and paint by numbers.
Zipcar wants you to know they are really, really obsessed with you.
Selt-driving cars are the complete rage around Silicon Valley right now. But selfie-driving? This isn’t even funny; you just added two letters to the end of ‘self,’ created a creepy promo video and called it a day.
Royal Caribbean is heading to space where there’s a shit ton of water.
I’m pretty sure Royal Caribbean is the last company who should be making jokes of any kind right now. People don’t forget.
Lexus V-LCRO hints at never needing seatbelts again.
It’s like those party bounce games where you wear that velcro suit and jump onto the velcro wall except this time it’s a car seat, and you’re driving 100 miles per hour. It’s totally safe, necessary, and feasible. Thanks, Lexus.