Have you ever mistaken flatulence for fecal defecation? It’s called ‘sharting.’
Have you ever mistaken two hours of moving images for a movie? It’s called “Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice.”
You know a movie is bad when two glasses of red wine and a 16 oz Miller Lite just doesn’t cut it. Needless to say, I entered the theater last Saturday night hydrated and ready for two hours of non-stop superhero madness.
Yes, there were superheroes on screen. But the madness? It was only going on in one place: my brain (as well as my pants because I ate a whole pizza at dinner before the show).
After popping a couple of Tums, my fiancé and I found our seats. Lucky for us, we snatched the best seats in the house: front row and center — right where all the action happens.
“Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice” has already been annihilated by critics. So going into the movie, I expected absolutely nothing from Zac Snyder, Ben Affleck, and Henry Cavill.
And absolutely nothing is what I got, through and through.
But instead of me sitting here giving you a regurgitated analysis of the movie as representative of superhero fandom, I’m going to give it to you straight, no chaser.
The problems I had with this film list longer than Ted Cruz’s mistresses but that won’t stop me from giving you, the audience, the facts you need to know when deciding if you want to pay the $32 to see the so-called “Blockbuster of the Summer” (that came out in March).
Why I Walked Out of Batman v Superman
Lex Luthor is not the Joker.
The character was poorly written, and his motivations made no sense. Why Zac Snyder tried to combine Lex Luthor and the Joker into one cringe-worthy character, I’ll never know. This could be Jesse Eisenberg’s worst role since Adventureland.
Batman is not a cold-blooded murderer.
If Batman killed all of these low-level criminalistic thugs then what’s stopping him from killing high priority villains like the Joker? His murderous self completely gets rid of any moral justification going after Superman. In the film, Batman literally brands people with his symbol to alert prison folk of their next rape victim. Let’s get this guy working the streets of Chicago!
Lois Lane needs to die.
I hate Amy Adams in this role. Her acting is superfluous, and her subplot was forced into the script like Seth Rogen in the “Green Lantern.” It made the movie drag across the sticky theater floor like a mangled mop of crud and spit.
Zac Snyder does not know how to build a scene.
Who needs character development when you have superhero logos, explosive special effects, and elite star-power? Not Zac, apparently, because every sequence jumped to the next with no thematic progression, no sense of tone and no resolute transitions to help advance the plot. In other words, Zac Snyder took the most actionable sequences, lined them up and pressed export.
Batman and Superman fight for two minutes.
In a movie called Batman v Superman, this just doesn’t make sense.
Don’t be fooled by ostentatious dialogue.
Pretending to be profound will get you axed by the critics. So it’s not shocking to see the negative reviews littering the Internet.
And if you haven’t seen Ben Affleck’s reaction to the downright ugly reviews, watch the video below for a chuckle or two.
So here are the facts.
- “Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice” made $170.1 million ($254 million international) in its first weekend.
- “Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice” scored a 29% on Rotten Tomatoes.
- “Pearl Harbor” scored a 25% on Rotten Tomatoes.
- “Daredevil” scored a 44% on Rotten Tomatoes.
- Ben Affleck met his former wife Jennifer Garner on the set of Pearl Harbor. He then said he fell in love with her on the set of Daredevil.
Ben and Jennifer are now divorced.
Therefore, there’s really only one way for Affleck to get his life back on track.