Welcome. Please scan your over-priced Ventra card and step right up to experience the greatest show on Earth (but specifically Chicago public transportation).

This bonanza includes a vast array of circus acts, showcasing the finest trailer-park carnies that our fair city has to offer. In fact, Chicago’s Transit Authority (CTA) might just be the eighth wonder of the world. And here’s why.

WANTED: The Chicago Cell Phone Jammer

So, I’m riding the Red Line the other day, and I see some guy holding what looked like a walkie talkie.

(SIDENOTE: I’m narrating this story in a very obnoxious New York accent, just so you understand my tone.)

Anywho, it turns out that the walkie-talkie wasn’t a walkie-talkie. I figured it was a very old and very large car phone with five giant antennas. After all, it had more blinking lights than a Red Light District. And on top of that, the car phone owner has a case of Old Style with him.

What’s with that?

At first, I figured this guy has to be straight retro with that honker box of a cell phone. And when you add in the case of Old Style, it became pretty obvious he could very well be Clint Eastwood’s half-brother.

So, with nothing else to do during the underground portion of my commute, I sat and inconspicuously waited for him to use it.

He never did, because it wasn’t a God-damn walkie talkie. It was a cell phone jammer, straight out of The Italian Job featuring Mark Wahlberg.
But really, who is this dude? And why didn’t he think to conceal his technological weapon of social destruction?

Let me remind you that I was on the Red Line, so the subway between Roosevelt and Clark & Division acts as a natural cell phone jammer of sorts. But as I got up near Belmont heading north towards the Addison stop by Wrigley Field, my cell phone began to bug out.

I know what you’re thinking: Illuminati.

I thought the same thing. But as I learned from my third favorite Nicolas Cage movie, National Treasure, stealing the Declaration of Independence is shockingly easy.

It quickly became apparent that the (now) notorious Chicago cell phone jammer wasn’t working for any secret agency. No, this transit thug was clearly working for a different breed.

We’re talking like straight-out-of-Alcatraz shit. He was crazy, but not that kind of crazy. He was the kind of crazy that makes you stay up all night wondering if the nightmarish creatures underneath your bed will finally grab your ankles when you wake up to piss in the middle of the night and pull you into their hellish oblivion.

Needless to say, this Robert Redford look-a-like and Jason Bourne wannabe is still out on the prowl and can be seen carrying the following:

♦ 12 pack of Old Style (his native garb)

♦ Cell phone jammer (his weapon of choice)

Lucky for you, I came across a thread on Reddit talking about the SAME EXACT beer-drinking and cell phone-jamming vigilante.

The internet is a beautiful thing.

Although, if I’m going to play devil’s advocate here, how much fun would it be just to ride the L for hours on end with a case of Old Style and a cell phone jammer solely for the purpose of messing with people?

I can’t help but think this would make for a fantastic Sunday Funday, until you get arrested for a federal offense.

For the uneducated folk, a cell phone jammer is an instrument used to prevent cellular phones from receiving signals from base stations.

It’s a called a denial-of-service attack. The jammer denies service of the radio spectrum for the cell-phone users within range of the jamming device. The particular model used by the Chicago Cell Phone Jammer has a range of up to 20 meters.

Suitable uses include: Police and Meeting Rooms, Security Services, Military Units, Prisons, Secret Services, Libraries, Museums, Customs and Riding In Trains With Beers.

Do you think we enjoy publicly outing a total stranger for his questionable fetish of public phones? Yes, yes we do.

Please email tips@thesixthirty.com if you have any further information on this matter.