In fear of sharing too much information, I’ll keep this short and sweet.
When you get old, things tend to go south on you really fast. And please, take that literally.
Along with hair loss and the pressure of marriage, getting older has far worse consequences. It’s referred to as irregular bowel movements, one of the most socially tragic disasters known to modern man.
In all reality, it will take place at the worst moments. For example, your nine hour flight home from Hawaii.
First you get a bubble in your stomach. Then you go to the bathroom. Then, that trip turns into 27 scrutinizing minutes of sweating profusely and whispering heinous curse words under your breath. I would apologize for the uncensored itinerary, but it’s important for you to hear.
Diarrhea is real.
I know you feel uncomfortable reading about it. I know you feel uncomfortable talking about it. Most importantly, however, I know there’s a cure.
It’s called DudeWipes.
I was first introduced to DudeWipes two years ago at TechWeek. The dudes, which I’m assuming they prefer to be called, were very nice and gave me like 4 or 5 boxes of these condom-sized packets of heaven.
Over the last two years, I saw my hidden stash of about 72 DudeWipes get snatched behind my back. DudeWipes did not pay me to write this article, nor have I even talked to them since then.
Honestly, I wrote this because I owe them my life.
The soft wet cloth needs no extensive explanation. If you have a bad poop, toilet paper is not going to do the job. And according to the Chicago Tribune, the wipes also have relatively fewer chemicals AND they’re free of parabens. So there’s that.
Made in Chicago, just like us, the four friends behind DudeWipes recently got an investment from Mark Cuban. And considering their target market is “anybody with an asshole,” I’d say it was a pretty smart investment.
It won’t take long for other assholes to catch on, either.
Mark Cuban is rich and influential, so he knows a lot of assholes. But long before it was the Shark Tank star who discovered it, we were the first ones to hop on the DudeWipes Wagon.
Whether you’re getting major ‘swass’ on a first date or have to go to a job interview and convince someone that you know what you’re talking about, these come in handy.
Just buy them. Buy DudeWipes, and put one in your wallet. You’ll know when to use it. And when you do, you’ll say “holy shit” and laugh at the irony of saying “holy shit” right after taking a dump.
Unofficial Slogans For DudeWipes
If you still don’t believe me, take it from the slogans below. For entertainment value purposes, I pasted them over pictures of famous dudes. None of them are official DudeWipes athletes/spokespeople yet, but it’s only a matter of time.