Nuclear bombs are generally frowned upon in most major cities, largely due to the health risks they present.

Fortunately for those who care deeply about not getting nuked, Chicago actually has an ordinance on the books that specifically states “No person shall knowingly, within the City of Chicago, design, produce, deploy, launch, maintain, or store nuclear weapons or components of nuclear weapons.” Please be warned, anyone caught violating this anti-nuclear ordinance will be subject to a ludicrous $1000 fine or up to 30 days in jail.

The ramifications of this rampant socialist overreach will have to be handled at a later date. But for now, suffice to say that recreational nuke-users are going to have to take their hobby to the suburbs. The Village of Wilmette has favorable crosswinds, and Kenilworth is widely known for its deposits of uranium-235.

This does go a long way towards exposing some of the hypocrisy at the core of socialist America, however. As a matter of fact, there are dozens of crimes with far stricter penalties which you may have to navigate if you’re one of the unlucky few that Big Brother decides to single out for the victimless hobby that is atomic fission.

In the interest of solidarity, we here at would like to call attention to some of this arbitrary overreach in the hopes that one day, we can all come to our senses and keep nukes free and legal, where they belong.

Because the fine for setting off the nuclear family’s favorite recreational nuclear weapon? $1,000.

Reaching the day where we can finally use nukes freely with the whole family? Priceless.

First off, as many road signs can attest – injuring or killing a highway construction worker can net you upwards of $10,000 in fines in the state of Illinois. So if you’re detonating a nuke within city limits, take extra care to be sure there are no construction workers inside the blast radius, lest you risk being charged more than the $1,000 for your recreational nuke usage.

Also, a recent push in anti-graffiti legislation could set the monetary cost for street art and vandalism at close to $2,500. There’s no word yet from Mayor Emmanuel on whether or not nuclear disintegration constitutes vandalism. So for now, it’s best to play it safe and take the lower penalty.

Because nuclear weapons are one thing, but woe betide the ruffian caught after dark with a can of aqua-blue spray paint.

Comparatively, skipping out on jury duty can score you a cool grand in legal remuneration, though apparently you won’t face jail time. This works out great in case you happen to be chosen to sit in judgment against one of the many hundreds of innocents brought to trial every year for the victimless crime of casual atomic fission. You can skip town in solidarity and pay no more than your brother-in-arms.

You can also incur a $1000 fine for drinking at Pride Parade, which is equally ridiculous since Pride Parade is usually such a sober and stately affair.

It’s a widely accepted fact that anti-nuclear explosive legislation has roots in bigotry, disproportionately affecting MIT-educated doctoral candidates and mad scientists from all walks of life. This kind of systemic prejudice against James Bond villains simply cannot be allowed to continue in a post-Civil Rights America.

Of course, as with any piece of legislation, there are loopholes.

And while this ordinance specifically prohibits the building, storing, launching, or detonating of nuclear material, it does NOT prohibit its consumption.

So you’re free to dine on uranium, if you feel so inclined.

The law also defines a nuclear weapon as “any device, the purpose of which is use as a weapon, a weapon prototype or a weapon test device, the intended detonation of which results from the energy released by fission and/or fusion reactions involving atomic nuclei.”

It’s pretty preposterous that we have to keep defending basic freedoms like this in today’s political structure. This kind of anti-nuke ignorance is a result of hyper-partisan pandering by corrupt officials, and nothing more.

Hopefully, someday we can live in a city where men and women are free to detonate nukes without worrying about some arbitrary, $1,000 fine for doing so.

(Featured photo courtesy of Peter Morrell)