The Kentucky Derby is a social event, and everyone celebrates in his or her own way – whether you are an avid racing fan, a degenerate gambler or a “What the hell is the Kentucky Derby?” guy.

Yesterday, we looked at a few places that are 78 percent guaranteed to be a good time Saturday. Other than that, follow the below advice for your best chance at enjoying the goings-on of May 2nd.

Or your best chance to avoid not enjoying it. Same thing.

Do Not Throw A Derby-Themed Party

Real original, dude. If you think this is a good idea, you’re either:

a) 18 years old


b) Just recently turned 19 years old.

Remember showing up to your first highlighter party in college? It was cool for a second—“WHOA all these girls are wearing tiny, white tank tops!”— then the novelty quickly wears off, and the realization sets in that you look like a complete dickhead.

A Kentucky Derby themed party is the same basic concept except without the extreme sexual disquiet among attendees. Research has concluded that the entertainment value of seeing someone wearing a douchey southern outfit is limited to 90 seconds. Maybe less.

Do Not Wear A Big, Floppy Hat

Oh, no. Don’t wear a big hat that’s so annoying don’t do that. On one hand, perhaps these hats are meant to serve some actual purpose. On the other hand, they obviously don’t so why do people ever wear them in the first place?

And the girls wearing them are always like:

“Did you see my hat?!”

Then I’m always like:

“Uh, yeah I saw your hat because it’s huge and annoying now get the hell out of my way.”

If you are so compelled to don some piece of ornamental headwear, try wearing one of those jockey helmets.

No, I’m kidding don’t wear one of those jockey helmets.

Do Not Drink Mint Juleps

Yeah, it’s the traditional drink of the Derby, and yeah, it tastes like shit. No joke, it’s horrible, especially if you try to make this minty bourbon abomination own your own.

Look, you’re not at the Kentucky Derby. Drinking like you are at the Kentucky Derby does not make you any closer to being at the Kentucky Derby. You wouldn’t sit at home and eat cracker jacks while watching a baseball game on TV, would you? Huh? Oh, you would? Well, then you’re weird.

Drink a margarita. Cinco de Mayo is close enough.

Do Not Watch The Race

This is your chance to get to the bar. Grab me a margarita, I’ll tell you who wins later.

The fact that some still call the Derby “The Most Exciting Two Minutes in Sports” is beyond me. I actually would rather watch the two-minute warning of an NFL game. I’m not even talking about the final two minutes of the game—I’m literally talking about the commercials that air during the two-minute warning.

I would then also rather watch the final two minutes of said NFL game.

Do Not Miss My Kentucky Derby Party

Mint Juleps will be served. Prizes awarded for creative hats.