Sometimes, you just gotta get some stuff off your chest.
With the ridiculous amount of information detritus floating across your news feeds on a daily basis and everyone shouting opinions simultaneously at each other, it’s hard to cut through the clutter.
That’s why sometimes a man has to put his foot down, draw a line in the sand, make some bullheaded claims about the world around him and state his opinions as scientific fact.
This, my friends, is one of those times. And as the old saying goes, opinions are like assholes: Everybody has one, but mine is much better than yours.
Man Buns Are The New Mullets
I take a pretty “Live and Let Live” approach to social issues —that’s kind of the beauty of freedom, right?
But it deserves to be said that there’s a huge difference between ‘timeless style’ and ‘contemporary trendy,’ and what looks good today is an embarrassing flashback tomorrow.
I know it’s hard to believe, but there was a time where cargo shorts, man-heels, and velcro roamed the earth, and they were all considered cool. Don’t get me wrong, it’s good to stay up-to-date on style, but overcommitting to a drastic change like a top knot is risky business.
The same women who are raving about man buns now may be the very same ones who look back and laugh, just like Mom always shows the picture of Dad in bell-bottoms, sepia shades, and a ‘fro.
Remember the truth in this picture.
All of the Presidential Candidates Suck
Hillary: Proven liar, brings Bill around as arm candy, and is drastically, painfully uncool.
Trump: Antagonistic egotist and what really happens if you feed Gizmo after midnight.
Fiorina: Failed CEO and childhood friend’s Mom who ended sleepovers at 9.
Jeb!: As with all things, nobody wants to see any more Bush.
Rubio: Is a dick to kids.
Bernie: His plan puts us another trillion in debt and would lose to Putin in UN summit arm-wrestling tourney.
Dr. Ben Carson: Flip-flopper and may literally be a mad scientist.
Rand Paul: Too Libertarian for current climate and perpetually looks like he just woke up.
Ted Cruz: Part ass-backwards Texas nutjob/part weasel.
Kasich: …… Dad?
Uncle Joe Biden: Just way too god damn handsy to be the leader of the free world.
Pizza Rat for Prez—he’s the hero we deserve.
Ordering Pizza With Emojis Is A Load Of Crap
What corporate asshat thought up this one? Like, were they going for a demographic of tweens who only have pizza parties, text constantly, and hate their parents?
Or is it for those people who get so improbably drunk that they can only manage to hit one button before passing out? Either way it’s all B.S.—turns out it’s a lot more complicated than that.
If you’re the kind of person with a chemical dependency on Domino’s and actually fills out all these forms just so you can use emoji’s to order instead of typing things into a website, watch your phone. I will spam Domino’s with so many pizza emoji’s your bank account will vanish and you’ll be eating cold pizza leftovers for a month.
I mean what’s next, America? Sending dick pics to designate meat lovers?
Stephen Colbert Is Already The #1 Late Night Host
With all respect to Jimmy Kimmel, Colbert has clearly surpassed the incumbent late-show hosts.
Conan was always a favorite of mine, but lately he and his toady Andy Richter have just seemed to fall flat doing the same several skits over and over again.
Jimmy Fallon is like that kid at the pool party who just desperately wants to fit in with the “cool kids” (aka celebs) and can’t stop giggling to save his damn laugh.
Seth Myers just sucks.
Kimmel manages to keep things fresh—but none can hold a candle to Stevie baby.
Colbert brought everything we loved about the Colbert Report with him—superb interview skills, song and dance, off-beat humor —while still managing to step seamlessly into the big shoes left by Letterman. He’s also unapologetically jacked up advertising numbers (good for the network), told off his audience for booing Ted Cruz (good for guests on the show) and brought on Kendrick Lamar to perform (good for us).
And, with the numbers among millennials to match, Stephen is here to stay.
‘Fear The Walking Dead’ Is Bad And Unnecessary
This isn’t a Biggie/Tupac feud, so we definitely don’t need to hear the West Coast’s side of the story (although admittedly, it would be sweet to see gangster zombies. I don’t think that’s been done yet.)
Watching the show is just like watching Dawn of the Dead 5 or any other unnecessary zombie sequel, except it might actually be more predictable.
Look AMC, I know the first show was crazy successful, but do we really need another version? Were Breaking Bad and Mad Men not good enough? Were we not entertained?
And instead of Daryl’s ass-kicking crossbow skills, Rick Grimes’ dad jokes, and “CORALLLL” from the original Walking Dead, we’ve got a Salvadorian barber, a pair of sexually awkward teens, and a guy who’s trying to trade things for cufflinks in the zombie apocalypse.
What are you going to do with cufflinks? You can’t even shower much less go out on the town. Oh yeah, and there was a zombie named “Kimberly.”
I’m done with this shit.
‘On-Fleek’ Is An Exceptionally Stupid Term
I get it. I’m getting to that age where I don’t understand what’s cool with the kids these days without doing a little research. Admittedly, this was the first slang term I had to look up the meaning of, which I guess is what finding a gray hair is like.
But here’s the kicker: if you look up the definition, it simply says “on point.” You know we had a term for that back in the day. It was “on point.”
That’s literally the same number of words, and one of them is the same word. So take your ‘fleek’ and other douchey made-up words and GTFO.
Derrick Rose Stole His New Haircut From Jimmy Buckets
Come on now, Derrick. We know you’re sad you missed a lot of ball these past few seasons—we’re sad too. But Jimmy’s fade is not the secret to his success. Just like Michael’s “Secret Stuff” in Space Jam was really just water, it’s what’s inside that counts.
In this case, what’s inside your knee.
— THE SIX THIRTY (@THESIXTHIRTY) September 28, 2015
FIFA Will Never Be Big In The U.S.
It just won’t.
Our attentions spans are tapped out. Baseball takes over essentially 3/4 of the year, football is on TV more days of the week than it’s not, basketball has two rabid fan bases (college and NBA) and hockey would be dead if it weren’t for the fights and potential alcoholism their players enjoy.
In true red-blooded American fashion, we only care about soccer games when they’re about proving American superiority over other countries, like the plot of Rocky IV. This is probably a good thing since FIFA’s corruption makes the NFL look like a goddamn charity case; where Goodell shimmies down your chimney with presents and is loved by fans and children alike.
So in summation, stop trying to make FIFA happen, Greg.
Facebook’s ‘Dislike’ Button Is A Horrible Idea
Yeah, I understand it sounds good in theory. It’s weird when someone posts a status about putting their dog (or grandma) down and you give that shit a big thumbs up to show your support, but does a dislike button really solve that?
I mean, does a thumbs-down really console anyone, or is it just another tool to wage war with? If you think cyber-bullying and trolling is bad now, just wait until that bad boy gets installed.
The SuperMoon Eclipse Sounded Cooler Than It Actually Was
Especially if you live in Chicago.
Between the city lights, lake-effect clouds, and blimps flying over Wrigley, this ended up being slightly disappointing. Same thing with NASA’s big announcement.
Yeah, I get it, water on Mars is a big deal. But I think we were all hoping for, I don’t know, Martians? Ancient Aliens? Matthew McConaughey returning from the future? Let me know when you find streams of running whiskey on other planets.
Your Phone Is Constantly Spying On You
You have a rat bastard in your pocket. Your treasured little iPhone 6s, with all its dumb, unnecessary functions that you waited in line several millennia for this past weekend, is, in fact, a snitch.
It watches you when you sleep, keeps tabs on where you go, it even knows what time you came home last night. Apparently Siri is some sort of mentally unstable girlfriend.
Yeah, that’s right, IT KNOWS WHERE YOU LIVE. I don’t know about you, but I don’t remember telling it what address was “HOME.”
Anyways, you can get the fully disturbing breakdown here and how to free yourself from Steve Jobs’ little demon offspring.
Even With A Racy Minaj Photo Shoot, Meek Mill Is Done
The Meek shall not inherit the Earth.