As long as there is a restaurant out there still serving food, there is probably someone who had a shitty experience there. But for every genuinely bad experience that happens, there is another person who will manage to turn a dirty spoon into the Ebola pandemic.

In this world of social media that we live in, that kind of person is the Yelp type. A true loser.

As we know from some of my past articles, once you decide to post an essay containing your whiny, privileged griping on the World Wide Web, you’re fair game to be reviewed yourself.

And just like you don’t take pity on the restaurants you lambaste with your sanctimonious diatribes, I exhibit no mercy on you either. There are no safe spaces in the realm of sous chefs. No trigger warnings in the tasting world. And after all, they’re just words— Sticks and stones, right? Or should I say forks and knives?

This month’s miserable Yelp review takes a personal beef with Mastro’s Steakhouse, a world-famous fine dining establishment that currently boasts a solid 4.6 star rating, which apparently wasn’t good enough for Tad B. (names changed to protect the guilty) because he launched into a pompous, asinine dissection of everything Mastro’s related.

This guy probably thinks he’s writing critical reviews of the Don Quixote premiere at Civic Opera for the New York Times, but he’s not.

He’s writing a goddamn Yelp review.

So without further pomp and ceremony (just kidding, this guy’s whole review is pompous) here is my review of Tad’s review of Mastro’s Steakhouse.

Tad B
87 Reviews
37 Friends
1 out of 5 Stars

If Mastro’s Restaurant was a car…

But it’s not, it’s a restaurant. Please do not begin a restaurant review with a vehicular analogy. Not unless you plan to write a review of your next tune-up beginning with, “If Lance at Jiffy Lube was a chef…”

…it would be a Cadillac with gold trim and leopard spotted upholstery

Sounds like a boss ride to me.

– flashy, expensive, and kind of gauche.

Did you seriously just use ‘gauche’ in a Yelp review? Seriously? Besides not really using the word correctly (Gauche means awkward, unsophisticated, and lacking ease—three things I doubt describe the restaurant), but you made yourself sound like a pretentious douche, the same kind that likes to drop French-sounding words into a common conversation in a helpless effort to appear cultured.

Mastro’s is a place which is trying way too hard to be elegant and misses the point of it which is that elegance is understated.

And you are trying way too hard to seem important and missing the point where people don’t actually value your opinion because you’re a complete dingus.

Instead, Mastro’s goes over the top on everything, and like your Aunt Estelle from Miami with the huge glossy white purse, over sized sun glasses, and lot’s of gold jewelry, becomes a caricature of itself.

I’m not going to even mention the grammatical errors in here because that would be too easy on you.

Drop the metaphors, you conceited windbag. Unless they’re slaughtering livestock and making the wine tableside, I sincerely doubt they’re really going that over the top. Or that it required you to make a reference to a stereotypical Jewish grandmother in order to make your flimsy comparison seem valid.

You know what is a caricature of a steakhouse? Outback Steakhouse.

This is the most expensive steakhouse in Chicago, and I’ve been to them all.

Oh-hoooooooooo looks like we got a badass over here. How is it rubbing shoulders with D. Rose and Kanye on the reg? I want this humble brag printed on a t-shirt.

For the money they are charging their meat better be amazing

Sounds like you’re ordering a male prostitute.

and it better be well cooked.  Mastro’s failed on both points. The steak I had (NY Strip, the standard by which I judge all steakhouses) was chewy and fatty, not buttery and tender as I’d expect.

Any steak expert worth his salt knows that NY Strip and Filet Mignon are overrated. KC Strip, Porterhouse, or Ribeye are the ways to go. In addition, fat equals flavor so you’re probably going to get a better tasting cut. If you’re going to try and create a standard of excellence, at least get it right.

So bad steak is then compounded by Mastro’s under cooking the steak.

Strike two. You never overcook a steak. If it was cold I could understand, but the fact that they “undercooked” it was more likely that they are paying attention to the meal and understand that real men like their steaks still mooing, and a well-done steak isn’t even good enough for dog food.

This seemed to be the pattern of the evening,

What, you being a tool?

I was there with a party of 8, of whom 5 were unhappy with how their steaks were cooked and two of them sent them back.

I’m sure the crew you run with are just as lighthearted and easygoing as you are. I do respect the three of five who just shut their mouths and ate their steak.

To Mastro’s credit, the waiter promptly whisked the offending steaks away without a word or protest.

Yup, that’s called service with a smile. Just like I’m sure they smiled after mixing the phlegm into your Bearnaise sauce.

But wait, there’s more badness to come.

You’ve got me on the edge of my seat! What happens next? Did it get less gooder?

I was universally disappointed in the potato side dishes we had –

He was UNIVERSALLY disappointed. Cosmically unappreciative. Wholeheartedly and metaphysical unsatisfied. With potatoes.

mashed potatoes were too gloppy and more like potato flavored fat than mashed potatoes.

Hmm, gloppy. Is that the technical term? Is it French? I don’t know about you guys, but potato flavored fat sounds delicious.

The fries were just soggy and gross.

You got fries with your steak? You’re not in Belgium, Fritz. Leave the steak frites to the Europeans.

I don’t even remember desert because by the time it arrived I had mentally checked out on Mastro’s.

He was so distraught by his dining experience that he actually had to mentally check out in order to preserve his sanity. I hope he doesn’t develop PTSD from the overall distressing nature of his four-course meal. Life is hard.

Oh, and by the way, asshat. If you’re going to use words like “gauche” and “nouveau riche” in a review, at least spell “dessert” correctly. Because currently you’re talking about how you don’t remember spending time with sand and camels.

Service was fine, but nothing special.  No points lost there.

Are you keeping score? I thought we were doing 1-5 stars, but if there’s some more criterion I’m missing, let me know.

This coming from the guy who several sentences earlier said that elegance should be understated.

Mastro’s is the kind of place that thinks expensive equals good, without realizing you need to earn the right to be expensive and not the other way around.

In 2012, Mastro’s was acquired by Landry’s, one of the largest hospitality companies on the planet, for an estimated $116.6 million. I would say they’ve earned the right.

Just because you are expensive does not mean you are good.

Using big words doesn’t mean you are smart.

Normally I’d give a review like this 2 stars as I typically reserve 1 star for places that are gross.

In that case, I give you one star, reserved for people who are gross.

However, I’m deducting an extra star from Mastro’s for obnoxious expense without the quality to back it up

And I’m deducting an extra star from you for obnoxious existence without quality to back it up. I award you no points, and may god have mercy on your soul.

and an overall nouveau riche experience.

Nouveau Riche – Ostentatious and lacking in good taste. Congratulations, you just played yourself.

If that is what I want I’ll go have dinner with Donald Trump.

Please do. You can both go eat your well-done steaks together like psychopaths.

That concludes this month’s miserable Yelp review. And just in case you needed any other reason to despise this clown, just look at his Yelp picture (above), which might as well be a submission to the world gallery of punchable faces.

I will take no excuses and I will give no quarter. Your Yelp review sucks.

Have a miserable Yelp Review worthy of a second review? Toss it in the comments or hit up Will on Twitter.