This is what happens when you build a house too fast.
Nails become loose, cracks become holes and people start pissing their pants in your living room. Before you know it, the entire foundation begins to collapse underneath you.
Hello, and welcome to another baseball season at Wrigley Field.
If we’re lucky, it will be another glorious year filled with hot dogs, Budweiser, and only minor disappointments. However, we regret to inform you that Tuesday night’s game against the St. Louis Cardinals has been postponed due to a weather forecast of rain and sub-freezing wind chills.
The fact that the game was to be played in an unfinished baseball stadium was not listed by the team as an official reason for the game’s postponement.
After all, nothing about Wrigley Field is finished.
The bleachers aren’t finished.
The bathrooms aren’t finished.
And as I learned the hard way on Sunday night, even some of the hot dogs aren’t finished. Appalled, I felt the need to warn the citizens of Chicago.
If you go to Wrigley Field this season, look out for these seven things.
Public Service Announcement: What To Expect At Wrigley Field This Season
1. Not good baseball.
On Keith Olbermann last night, ESPN Insider Keith Law gave his prediction for the Cubs and all their newfound talent in 2015.
“Next year’s going to be a lot better I think.” Keith Law told Olbermann last night. “Do you see a lot of clubs bring up that many kids and get to the 88-90 win territory? I can’t remember one that was able to do that.”
2. Lines to get into the bathroom.
You thought you would never smoke a cigarette, until you realize the only way to avoid four innings worth of waiting to piss is by going outside to the smoking area and pee in an alley on a 10-minute time limit, all at the cost of receiving a hefty ticket for public urination.
As you probably read on Deadspin, things were simply inhumane. They received a fluster of emails from game attendees, talking about the havoc that wreaked on Clark & Addison:
Deadspin.com | April 6th, 2015
Yes, fans were peeing in cups tonight. They were peeing EVERYWHERE. I heard there were only two working bathrooms- I know the lines were horrific and I also know that some were shut down early on because toilets just wouldn’t flush. Saw three fights break out before the fifth (wouldn’t expect much better from Wrigley). Guy in front of us went to get snacks around the sixth and came back saying they were out of everything but french fries in the concessions. Maybe they forgot the game was tonight?
And yes, people were actually pissing their pants.
Deadspin.com | April 6th, 2015
I saw 2 guys who ended up pissing their pants. I was shocked. I dont know what the bare minimum standard is but it wasnt available last night. Bars and restaurants are held to it by the health department. I’m not sure why the Cubs weren’t.
Earlier today, the team decided to place port-a-potty’s throughout the stadium. Which is a good thing, because now Crane Kenney won’t be the only thing that’s full of shit in Wrigley Field.
3. Lines to get out of the bathroom.
Because of this overwhelming foot traffic, game attendees flocked to the bathroom exits so they could sneak into the urinal without waiting in line for three complete innings. After a while, security caught onto this strategic maneuver and shut it down.
Of course, that only created longer lines for the entrance. It didn’t help the flow of traffic, but at least nobody suffered a panic attack while trying to get out of the bathroom.
4. Crinkle-cut fries.
The Cubs have either signed a deal with the devil or a partnership with Shake Shack.
If US Cellular Field has anything on Wrigley it’s the french fries. And now, thanks to the Cubs decision to move to crinkle-cut fries, this debate has become even more lopsided.
Long story short, I should have ordered the nachos.
5. Reminders everywhere that Ernie Banks passed away.
I was talking to someone yesterday about the amount of Ernie Banks posters hung around the stadium.
Originally, I defended it. And for the most part, I still do. After all, Mr. Cub is Mr. Cub.
The loss of Ernie Banks was devastating to the Friendly Confines, but do you really need to cover the empty bleachers with his face?
I’m all for replacing the flags around the stadium with #14, but it almost seemed like the Cubs were trying to cover up the stadium’s unfinished business with the sad passing of Ernie.
Not a bad decision, just not the best one.
Did I mention that already?
7. Beer that isn’t Old Style.
Tradition doesn’t have shit on the power of corporate partnerships.
After the Chicago Cubs completed a deal with Anheuser-Busch (InBev) last year, Old Style was prevented from hanging signage at Wrigley Field. Now, the beer’s future at the Friendly Confines is in jeopardy.
Before last season, the team said that Old Style would still be available at the stadium. But on Sunday night, there wasn’t a can of Old Style in sight.
I repeat, there were no Old Styles in sight.
That said, there was Goose Island everywhere. I could have flagged down a Matilda faster than a fucking box of Cracker Jacks on Sunday night. The stadium is also serving Bud Light, Lime-A-Rita, Straw-Ber-Rita, Mang-O-Rita, Raz-Ber-Rita, Redbridge gluten-free beer and Johnny Appleseed Cider.
Uncooked hot dogs are one thing, but no Old Style? That’s just wrong.
On a related note, I would like to give a huge shoutout to Crane Kenney for being so in tune with the Cubs fan base.