Everybody loves soup. If somebody says they don’t, they’re saying it because they love soup but don’t want to look like an old fart. We’re all old farts, so get over it and eat your soup.

Broth, cream, bisque, stew; you name it & I will eat it. With a spoon, a fork, a knife or anything that has the ability to lift what’s in the bowl into my mouth over and over until either my face hits the table or the table hits my face.

Mush it, meat it, chunk it or beat it. I will eat it if you serve it so don’t be a soup nazi and give me those warm chunks of meat and veggie liquids because DADDY IS HUNGRY.

Speaking of Soup Nazi:

Anyways, on to the most important collections of rankings you are ever going to see in your worthless soup-less lives.

2015 Soup Power Rankings

18) Chicken Noodle 

Chicken Noodle Soup

The most basic soup of them all. Particularly particular and staunchly pathetic. Also, super dope when you’re sick.

17) Cream Of Chicken With Wild Rice

Cream of Chicken With Wild Rice

The go-to at any local breakfast/lunch spot. A crowd favorite at most old person homes. But what exactly is the difference between wild rice and captive rice?

16) Split Pea 

Split Pea Soup

It’s just so much fun to say. It had to make the list even if it’s not even that good.

15) Minestrone 

Minestrone Soup

Reminds me of mama fajooli’s.

14) Italian Wedding 

Italian Wedding Soup

Reminds me of papa fajoolis.

13) Corn Chowder

Corn Chowder

One of my personal favorites. Chowder is heavenly, and with the corn and potatoes it’s pretty healthy, too. Or you can just tell yourself that and call it a day.

12) Clam Chowder 

Had some for lunch today but if you’re not eating it in the Northeastern parts of this fine country you’re not truly living.

11) Lobster Bisque 

Lobster Bisque

This one is a delicacy. Don’t try it unless you buy it. Seriously.

10) French Onion 

French Onion Soup

Nothing French about it. Thicker than mama fajooli’s thighs. Also, there is no in between here, it’s either really good or really fucking bad.

9) Hot N’ Sour 

Hot & Sour Soup

It’s that Chinese soup you get as an appetizer at Chinese restaurants but then don’t eat it because you have no idea what it is.

8) Gazpacho 

Gazpacho Soup

I always thought Gazpacho was a type of nut.

7) Gumbo 

Shrimp Gumbo Soup

More of a lifestyle than a soup. I would back a gumbo god if he/she existed.

6) Miso 

Miso Soup

Fuck Miso Soup. Look at her sitting there all miso with her tofu.

5) Pho 

Pho Soup

It’s pronounced PHØ. Also extremely basic.

4) Broccoli Cheddar 

Broccoli Cheddar Soup

Broccoli Cheddar makes broccoli, not broccoli. For 15 years it was the only way I would consume the green stuff.

3) Tortilla Soup

Tortilla Soup

That movie was legit and so is the soup.

2) Pozole


Prime example why Mexican food is bomb.

1) Loaded Baked Potato

Loaded Baked Potato