While reading this prize-worthy journalistic masterpiece of a review, please refrain from the following activities:

No sudden movements of the neck or torso.

No exiting out of this web page because you “don’t enjoy the article” or because you’re “busy working your day shift.”

Blinking is prohibited. This is for your safety and enjoyment.

No bathroom breaks. Unless you are reading this while on the toilet. Then have at it. And for all you babies reading this, you also may use the bathroom.

For all other questions, please refer to my lovely assistant, Carol, who has asked to remain anonymous.

Sunday night, I had the pleasure of attending a borderline consensual, heterosexual, nonsexual cocktail party with none other than Steve Martin & Martin Short (as well as a few other nobodies).

What’s that, you thought Steve Martin died? Who the hell is Martin Shorts?

Well, prepubescent folk, you’re in for quite the treat. Now, let me be frank. This ain’t your average tale of two aging comics crap-shooting their way through a b-list farewell tour.

This is Rosemont, IL we’re talking about. The glamor city, baby.

So it was only fitting that Steve Martin and Martin Short made their way through Chicago’s favorite corrupt suburb to give us one last look into Hollywood’s first, real comedic bromance.

Such a fascinatingly successful business relationship didn’t arise from ticket sales or box office numbers – it was the years of sweat, tears, and on-stage chemistry most comedians can only dream of.

Both of these almost senile, full-blown geniuses have a friendship that’s lasted longer than I’ve been alive — a relationship thirty years in the making with no clear end in sight.

Steve Martin once said that his time spent in college changed his life. Inspired by his philosophy classes, Martin considered becoming a professor instead of an actor-comedian.

“College changed what I believe in and what I think about everything. I majored in philosophy. Something about non-sequiturs appealed to me. I started studying logic, and they were talking about cause and effect, and you start to realize, ‘Hey, there is no cause and effect. There is no logic! There is no anything! Then it gets really easy to write this stuff because all you have to do is twist everything hard.”

Watching Steve Martin seamlessly weave his comedic talent into a performance on the banjo sets him on a pedestal higher than any comedian we see in today’s age of profane jabbing and loosely scripted garbage.

He is one of the most talented performers of our time and putting him on stage with his best friend, Martin Short, creates an act so non-stop hilarious that an intermission wasn’t even necessary.

And if you really think about it, omitting the intermission is exactly what Steve Martin was referring to in his quote about philosophy in college.

What does every live performance typically have at the end?

An encore?

What do Steve and Martin do? They say screw the encore and decide to come back on stage on their own doing to perform a final act titled ‘Five More Minutes to Fill.’


Because these two trailblazers don’t have to abide by the status quo of comedy. They are the status quo of comedy.