It’s that time of year again that we celebrate that lovely American holiday predicated on completely irrelevant customs revolving solely around drinking with absolutely no resemblance to its original religious meaning.
I’m talking about St. Patrick’s Day, of course. Also known in some circles as, “Casual Racism Is Okay If It’s Against the Irish” Day (which is a great name except it’s too long to fit on a t-shirt).
In remembrance of the Catholic feast day of St. Patrick of Ireland – people of all ages, ethnicities, and creeds gather together to do permanent damage to their internal organs by drinking an immeasurable amount of alcohol.
It’s exactly how God intended it to be. And since we heathens have no intention of treating this as a religious celebration, I’ve been summoned by myself to create this set of rules. Or commandments, if you will.
The 10 Commandments Of St. Patrick’s Day
1. Thou Shalt Not Go Out The Night Before
I’ve warned against the dangers of this in St. Patrick’s columns past. You’ll end up regretting anything short of dinner or a movie. Maybe you plan on sleeping in on the day of and going out later on. Maybe you’ll alternate drinks with water. Maybe you’re a miracle (liar), and you don’t get hangovers.
But in all my years I’ve never seen anyone go out the night before a major drinking holiday and be glad they did the next day. Get some sleep, drink some water, be ready to get after it on the ‘morrow (that’s old-timey Irish lingo).
2. Thou Shall Not Not Wear Green
You shalt. Just do it. Don’t complain about it. Put on some damn green. This holiday is full of tacky clichés and phrases, but this is the one thing that makes some sense, and it’s so easy to do. And no, that one stupid strand of beads from last year or that green hat you’ve had since college doesn’t cut it.
Put on some green, dammit, even if it’s an old Boston Celtics Kevin Garnett jersey. Just do the holiday thing or stay in your home.
3. Thou Shalt Not Pinch
On the flip side of wearing green, don’t be that person who embraces the tradition of “pinching” someone who didn’t wear green. Pinching sucks ass. It hurts, it’s annoying, and just about as funny as the guy who still thinks it’s cool to give people dead legs. If you see someone who isn’t wearing green, just call them an asshole like a normal person.
4. Remember To Drink Guinness and Jameson, To Keep It Irish
It’s often customary to eat the cuisine of people when trying to become one with/respect their culture. Since we know Irish food mainly sucks (and you don’t care worth a damn about respecting Irish culture) this comes down to beverages of the alcoholic nature, mainly Jame-O and Guinness. You don’t have to drink it all day — one or two servings will suffice — but at least try. This may be the most authentically Irish thing you do all day.
Besides, St. Patrick didn’t bust his ass to drive all the snakes out of Ireland so you could sip on $12 vodka tonics.
5. Honor Thy Liver, And Thy Mother
Drink water, and remember that your mom doesn’t think it’s funny when you call her wasted and crying at 2 pm for the third year in a row.
6. Thou Shalt Not Fight Strangers
No matter where you are for St. Pat’s, a few things are guaranteed: Everyone will be lit, everyone thinks the term lit is cool, and you will get bumped into and spill some beer. Don’t start shit with strangers. Buy one a drink. Call it your good deed for the day.
7. Thou Shalt Not Talk About Going To Notre Dame
Speaking of people getting punched in the face…
We get it; you went to Notre Dame. Thanks for telling us for the third time since we started standing at this bar.
However, keep in mind that just because Stanford’s mascot is a Christmas tree doesn’t mean they’re claiming Christmas. As an institution, you cannot claim a holiday. And as the University of Notre Dame, you certainly cannot claim a holiday that is based around partying.
8. Thou Shalt Be Nice To Gingers
This is the only day of the year they get to feel like real people with real souls. Everybody has their holiday or celebration and this is the closest they’re ever going to get to people celebrating them and putting them in the spotlight. (Which probably burns their skin?)
Let them have their moment. Their pale, pasty moment. I am not sorry about this.
9. Thou Shalt Not Hurl In A Cab
Literally, never do this. It’s gross, rude and expensive. Pull over and puke into an alley like any other self-respecting member of society does.
10. Thou Shalt Not Go To A 4 AM Bar
But lets be honest, there’s a good chance you’ll decide that 16 hours of drinking just wasn’t enough and venture out to find the ever-elusive “fun late-night bar.” But I guess this commandment is more like a suggestion, like waiting until you’re married. Enjoy the quality time with your boys Couch and GrubHub tomorrow.
All things considered, these aren’t that hard to follow. Even more of a checklist, so to speak. And It will give you a pass to get out of church on Sunday. (Psh, like you were gonna go.)
And remember guys, it’s a holiday.
So enjoy yourselves, and take a page out of Charlie Kelly’s book: