I hate the ESPYs, but I love Chicago.
So I figured the only conceivable way that I could talk about the ESPYs with any amount of enthusiasm was to create the Chicago version of them. It’s a good way to avoid talking about athletes I don’t care about and monologues that simply aren’t funny. In fact, here’s my Chicago ESPYs monologue.
We have the Blackhawks. Sweet home, Chicago.
And now presenting our first award: Mayor Brian Lendino. Just kidding, Rahm forever.
Best Team — Chicago Blackhawks
If you’re looking for an explanation on this one then I really can’t help you. After celebrating a third Stanley Cup in six seasons, the Chicago ESPYs committee may have to consider renaming the award soon.
Best Play — Pau Gasol Slam vs. Detroit
There were zero memorable (positive, at least) plays in the Bears season. Baseball isn’t really known for having awe-striking plays that transcend sports, even though Adam Eaton might have something to say about that. However, there’s one play from the Chicago Bulls season that has resonated throughout this entire year, and thus making it worthy of Chicago’s best play.
That would be Pau Gasol’s put-back dunk with 5.9 seconds remaining in a one-point game vs. the Pistons on April 3rd.
To be honest, Pau’s stink face is really what sells the entire thing.
Best Breakthrough Athlete — Kris Bryant
I mean, Kris Bryant basically ran this category unopposed. It was like Rahm Emanuel running for mayor again and everyone else playing for pride like Chuy Garcia.
Bryant is in a dead heat for NL Rookie of the Year with the Dodgers’ Joc Peterson, making him an easy choice for Chicago’s breakthrough athlete.
Best Athlete — Chris Sale
This city has some pretty iconic athletes. The Chicago Sky’s Elena Della Donne is probably the city’s best basketball player. Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews are the two of the best players in all of hockey. Anthony Rizzo on the North Side. The list goes on.
However, in 2014-2015 no single player has dominated more than the White Sox’s Chris Sale. It’s fairly uncommon for the best athlete to play for the city’s shittiest team, but thus is the case with Sale.
Best Championship Performance — Duncan Keith
Easy peasy, lemon squeezy. The Blackhawks were the only Chicago sports team to even sniff a championship this season so it only makes sense the top championship performance comes from them.
Duncan Keith was an absolute workhorse, averaging over 30-plus minutes of ice time en route to a Conn Smythe Trophy win. Considering he led the NHL playoffs in both +/- and assists, it’d be hard to find a more deserving winner.
Plus he got beat out by his own teammate (Jonathon Toews) for the “Best NHL Player” ESPY last night. We’ve got your back, Duncs.
This award is dedicated to one of Chicago’s fine musical talents that is the likeliest to make themselves a name in sports. And in 2015, the honor goes to Lil Durk.
That’s because Lil Durk looks identical to Toronto Raptors point guard Kyle Lowry. I have absolutely no idea if Durk can ball, but I know Kyle Lowry can. So, by the airtight deductive reasoning I have presented, Lil Durk is the best athlete (and has the best ball-handling skills) amongst Chicago’s musicians.
Think the Chicago ESPYs committee is nuts? Put your winners below.