Every year, the Academy Awards get more and more banal.
Desperate to wrestle our attention from awesome things like our families or Better Call Saul, the producers will leave no cheap, exploitative gimmick unmolested if it can be used to force us to sit through four hours of rich, handsome people masturbating.
But fear not, there’s a happy middle ground here. You can get your Oscar fix without chewing your ears off whenever Anne Hathaway tries to sing.
It’s called drinking. You might have heard of it.
We here at The Six Thirty are masters of working through uncomfortable situations by not being sober; and we’ve whipped up a wonderful drinking game that you can play if, like many Americans, you find yourself bizarrely obligated to sit through the Oscars. Here are a few of our suggestions, feel free to play along.
Academy Awards Drinking Game
Drink whenever someone makes a joke about Meryl Streep having a lot of Oscar nominations
Meryl makes Oscar-worthy performances the way most of us make sandwiches. Even when she’s in a decidedly “meh” movie like Into The Woods, you can be sure the Academy is going to toss her a nomination.
She’s up to nineteen nominations with no signs of slowing, and people have been making Meryl Streep Oscar jokes for almost as long. This year will be no different.
Drink for every Neil Patrick Harris gay joke
Good old NPH absolutely killed it a few years back when he hosted the Tony’s and did a song about how Broadway isn’t just for gays anymore. He also made some gay jokes in the Harold and Kumar movies. So you can be sure the Academy is going to milk that particular cow and make this eminently-talented Emmy and Tony-winning sex god quip about how he’s not into girls.
Take a shot for every depressing documentary
The documentary categories are where the Academy dumps all the culturally-relevant movies that can change the world. This means there’s a lot of shots of rubble and starving children.
We find that a strong Irish whiskey pairs well with existential grief, so keep a bottle handy for when these awards are handed out. Vodka will do in a pinch.
Chug during the musical numbers
This isn’t part of the drinking game. This is just life advice.
Drink for every joke about Benedict Cumberbatch’s name
Because in Oscars-World, it’s 2010, and “Eggs Benedict CucumberBatch” jokes are still fresh and funny. The man is widely considered one of the best actors of his generation, a sex icon, and a subject of fascination for fans the world over. But “Cumberbatch” sounds like some sort of British fish sauce you’d put on kidney pie, so naturally this is the route the producers are going to go with.
Chug during the montages
Every Academy Awards ceremony is padded extensively with interminable montages depicting the various nominated films. We recommend the following cocktails to pair with each Best Picture nominee as its montage rolls:
–The Grand Budapest Hotel: Fuzzy Navel (peach schnapps and orange juice). A light, colorful, yet ultimately unengaging cocktail.
–The Theory of Everything: Rusty Nail (scotch and Drambuie). Have several of these if you want to simulate the slurred speech and reduced mobility of the film’s star.
-The Imitation Game: Tom Collins (gin, lemon and soda water). For extra authenticity, use imitation gin.
–American Sniper: neat rye whiskey. No, you don’t get a chaser. What are you, a communist?
–Birdman: Zombie (tons of juice, liquors, and various rums). No one’s entirely sure about all the weird stuff that goes into this cocktail. We just know the end result will change your perception of life itself.
–Boyhood: Shirley Temple (Sprite, ginger ale, grenadine, cherry garnish). Because you’re not old enough to drink yet.
–Whiplash: Whiplash (brandy, sweet vermouth, triple sec). This one comes with a cocktail already paired with it! And you’ll need a few of these if you actually end up seeing Whiplash. It’s…it’s not a happy movie.
–Selma: Dark n’ Stormy (dark rum and ginger beer). No, that’s not a black joke. Dark n’ Stormy’s are just delicious. Jeez.
Don’t drink if Leonard DiCaprio makes an appearance
Leo’s still completely Oscar-less after four well-deserved nominations in a variety of roles, such as a morally ambiguous diamond smuggler, a mentally challenged teenager, a billionaire industrialist, and a coke-snorting stock broker. You should share his frustration by staring at the wonderful variety of alcoholic beverages in front of you, but not drinking any of them.
Finish your drink if John Travolta slurs a name
Please, please let this happen. The world needs to hear how Travolta pronounces “McConaughey.”