Last week, Academy Award winner Gwyneth Paltrow decided to prove that she gets you. She’s not just some multi-millionaire in an ivory tower doing weird crap like breeding ponies or naming her kid Apple (seriously, she has a kid named Apple).
No, the Shakespeare in Love and Iron Man actress took Mario Batali’s Food Bank Challenge, wherein she was supposed to live off $29 for one week, which is roughly the same amount welfare recipients get as part of their SNAP benefits.
She lasted four whole days. No please, don’t applaud. She did this for poor people, not for her.
On one hand, raising awareness about the struggles faced by the working poor is an admirable goal. On the other hand, Gwyneth Paltrow is completely insane.
Never mind the fact that Paltrow is an incredibly wealthy human – like, staggeringly wealthy, as in “wealthy enough that I could start my own food and diet magazine without actually having any experience in the food industry” wealthy.
Trying to live on thirty bucks for a week really doesn’t simulate the struggles of the homeless with any accuracy, considering she has a huge-ass mansion and a fun boyfriend who can take her to dinner at a fancy restaurant half way through the challenge. The challenge she took also fails to account for the fact that most welfare recipients work long hours for little pay and have families to raise, so the $29 estimate is at best an educated guess.
But what’s important here is that Gwyneth Paltrow proved she understands the common person. Check out her shopping list if you need proof.
For her challenge, Paltrow ended up buying rice, beans, a sweet potato, some vegetables you probably couldn’t pronounce, and a whole mess of limes. Our sources say she considered getting more limes but then decided she could scrape by with seven. Just think of all the thousands of welfare recipients in this country who have to make do with only four or five limes a week. I mean, what do they put in their Margaritas? Not lemons?
So now that Paltrow’s challenge has concluded as a resounding success three days early, I think it’s time we got her opinion on some of the other serious issues facing America’s poor. Donating millions towards a worthy cause would be a good idea, and she’ll probably end up doing that eventually if she doesn’t forget. But you know what’s more important than money? Knowledge. And much like Paltrow’s character in Contagion, I’m about to infect everyone in the world with Gwyneth Paltrow’s virus. Of knowledge.
The first thing you poor people need to know about how to be poor is dressing appropriately. I’m a bit of an expert on fashion, so I think she’s qualified to say that wearing $160,000 worth of jewelry simply isn’t practical to the average blue collar fashionista. Most factory workers can barely afford a single pinstripe Alexander McQueen dinner jacket. By way of substitutions, consider replacing ivory with pearl in your day to day fashion – it’s cheaper, and it kills fewer elephants, leaving far more of them for CEO’s to hunt.
But let’s go back to food for a minute. Everyone knows it’s important to maintain a healthy diet, or at the very least, engage in an odd spiritual cleanse. One of the best ways to stay healthy is to eat what you love. Love is very nutritional and does wonders for your chakras, so I, on Gwyneth Paltrow’s behalf, would recommend that you try to get more love in your diet.
Free range love is the best kind; you don’t want farm-grown because they dye the meat with carrots to give it the right color. You can usually buy love on discount at the end of the month when grocery stores are making room for new stock. Apples come chock full of essential love-related nutrients, so those are also a good investment.
I’d just like to remind everyone again that Gwyneth Paltrow named her daughter Apple. She should name her next kid Lime.
Speaking of children – another one of poverty’s intricacies that Gwyneth’s aborted dumpster dive into a low-class lifestyle completely failed to address was the fact that many welfare recipients are supporting not only themselves, but sizable families. If you are in this position, I would highly recommend you hire a nanny.
Honestly, it’s bizarre to me that so few poor people do this, but I’m not here to chide, merely to inform. Your child’s early years are the most important parts of their development into normal humans, so you want to make absolutely sure you get someone good to raise them for you. Please don’t beat yourself up for not considering this, we all make mistakes.
Ms. Paltrow also recently had an assistant inform her that many welfare recipients are homeless, which is terrible. If you are homeless, Ms. Paltrow recommends you have your assistant find you a home immediately.
That wraps our Paltrow-wisdom lesson for this week, class. Please check out her food blog for all the latest affordable recipes that use things like duck eggs and Manuka honey.
And remember everyone, Gwyneth Paltrow completely and totally understands you. She’s a normal human and not a reptile creature in human skin that survives on limes.
(Featured Image courtesy of Red Carpet Report)