At, we’re all about two things: good times and transparent advertising.

Okay, we’re about a lot of other things. You know – things like college football, Lollapalooza, and anything that’s deep-fried in butter. But for the sake of this article, we’re about those first two things.

Good times and transparent advertising.

Upon viewing this Bacardi commercial, I began to consider both of these things. I also began to consider the difference between imaginative marketing and unrealistic messaging.

Anywho, the commercial begins with a few friends sitting poolside at a surreal vacation home on top of (what appears to be) a mountain. While I can’t imagine this setting “resonates” with 99.9% of the American population, it’s certainly a captivating visual.

Still, for the questionably attractive actors in this commercial, a bottle of rum and a multi-million dollar mansion isn’t enough to get the party started. In order to have a good time, you need to invite a school bus of bonafide tens and every Calvin Klein model you can find.

Bacardi commercial – “Turn Up The Summer” 

Since we’ve never been to a pool party that resembles the video above whatsoever, we’ve decided to break this down for you. According to Bacardi Limón, here is how to have a good time this summer.

In advance, we apologize for making everything you’ve done this summer completely pathetic.

You peasant.

Bacardi Limón’s guide to having fun this summer:

  1. Your parents own a $3-million home on a fucking mountain, but that’s just not going to cut it. I mean, come on, would you look at that piss-poor landscaping job?

How are you supposed to ‘turn up the summer’ when the sod around the brand-new patio isn’t finished?

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  1. No ‘dad bods’ allowed. In fact, if you don’t look like a character from One Tree Hill, you probably won’t be allowed through the first security gate.

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  1. There’s only one stoned hippie allowed at each party. He must have long-flowing blonde hair, and he must do belly flops the entire time.

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  1. Females must be dancing and/or waving their hands in the air at all times.

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  1. You must raise your glass and cheer repeatedly, even though this is the 17th time somebody has made a toast for no apparent reason.

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  1. And remember, drink responsibly.

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(Photos courtesy of