This is the best Friday I have had in a while. That’s because we’re finally back with my favorite segment in the world: This Week On Craigslist.

You remember, that one where I take a half hour out of every Friday and browse the death hole that is Craigslist for the most ridiculous posts. Nothing sexual, no man seeking woman stuff, we keep it family friendly around here (kinda).

There’s enough laughable material to find in the classifieds, community, services, and all the other random places on the ‘List’ anyway. I’m a pro.

Not much has changed about Craigslist in our six-month hiatus, so let’s jump into it starting with every person’s dream — to become a DJ.

But not just any DJ.

Craigslist

IT’S LIT!

You’re goddamn right it’s lit. Nothing is more bass-bumping, hip-shaking than some Gospel House you know what I mean. Hit up DJ B if you’re tryin’ to get blessed.

Moving right along, we have another homage to the man upstairs, but not as funky and fresh as the one above.

Craigslist

God isn’t politically correct, and the book of Romans is a(n) account of history, summary is for lazy people, man is not God. All that and a loaf of bread.

Where do I even begin? Let’s start by noting that the submitter of this post likely has a greying beard and wears a tweed suit that he changes maybe once a week. He carries his bible like a football and looks a lot like Clay Travis.

He also stands in the middle of Millennium Park four days a week and screams out “GOD BLESSES NUCLEAR FAMILIES.”

But how does he feel about Ralph Macchio?

Craigslist

I won’t lie, the first thing that caught my eye was, “30+ years in the Asian arts, Master Level Sifu….” I 100 percent thought that said ‘Master level STFU.’ Unfortunately, it did not.

But it’s a serious business. And I do love myself a good kung fu movie. Rush Hour. Does that count? Either way, there’s nothing like becoming an heir to something.

I would prefer it be money, but I’ll take an apprenticeship with Mr. Miyagi. Except this guy has probably just watched every Karate Kid like 20 times while on acid and thinks he’s Mr. Miyagi.

Good news though: I think I found the perfect candidate for His Karate Heir.

Craigslist

This happened.

I mean, I have to click on that right? What kind of human would I be if I didn’t?

Craigslist

I’m trying to take everything I do to another level. Can I hire this midget to come blog with me? How about cooking dinner for my girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? I have to believe a midget is the perfect addition to that setting.

Moreover, I would love to find out about this guy’s ‘pot o gold.’ Sounds dirty.

There’s just so much going on in this post I don’t even know where to start. Have I started? I don’t know where to end. I’m so overwhelmed, guys.

I think Craigslist has sucked me down its rabbit hole again.

See you next week.