Tommy Wiseau – the creator of easily the worst movie ever made – is back in our lives.
With possibly the worst series ever made.
If you don’t know who Tommy Wiseau is, be warned: once you bring this man into your life, there’s no going back. He wrote, directed, and starred in The Room – a cult classic that’s inspired endless memes, spoofs, and drinking games (crucial to surviving the movie).
Starring Wiseau as Charlie the landlord and his wife Bebe, The Neighbors is about an apartment building full of the strangest characters ever conceived.
This show actually makes a ‘best of Nic Cage’ marathon sound amazing. And after watching three of the first four episodes – because that’s all I could handle – here are the 13 most ridiculous things that illustrate the true awfulness of Wiseau’s latest creation.
1. The Chicken
To answer your question, yes: that’s an actual scene.
I’m not sure if it was meant as an homage to The Room and Wiseau’s incomparable chicken imitation, but regardless – this is a real plot point. There’s a chicken in the building, and the resident drug dealer has made it his mission in life to steal this chicken and eat it.
And you thought the dude in your building was weird.
2. Every Scene Looks Like A Porno
There’s a knock at the door. Dressed only in their lingerie, the female tenants giggle and answer the door.
“Pizza delivery…” the pizza man says sensually as he takes off his shirt and…
You get the point. That’s a real scene – on what planet does that not sound like the start to a porno? And that’s how every other scene plays out: like the non-sex part of a porno. Between the girl named “Philadelphia,” who only wears bikinis, and the sexy, buff repairman, it seems like they cast people who got lost on their way to an X-rated film shoot and just went with it.
3. Prejudice And Discrimination
There are some moments so ridiculously offensive that it’s hard not to laugh. The show’s only black dude is introduced as, “the black guy…the rapper guy,” every woman wears almost nothing, and at one point Wiseau drops the ‘R’ word to talk about the repairman who’s “a little slow.”
4. What’s Charlie Sheen’s Favorite Food?
Tiger Steak. Obviously. You can’t make this up.
5. So This Princess, A Hypnotist, And A Drug Dealer Walk Into A Bar…
The characters that aren’t racist or horribly offensive are straight out of The Twilight Zone: Spring Breakers Edition. The Princess Penelope ‘of Britain’ moves in, one girl can hypnotize people with her mind because fuck it all, and the drug dealer Troy is just a trip.
6. Tommy Wiseau Plays Two People Because Of Course He Does
Honestly not sure if this is self-mockery or if he genuinely thought this would be a good idea. Leaning towards the latter.
7. ALL The Yelling
I have the hearing of an 80-year-old and even I think everyone on this show is too loud. They’re just always yelling. All the time. Half the show is yelling.
Someone drops ice cream: everyone screams.
Woman sitting in the hall singing? Nope, bloodcurdlingly shrieking.
All is calm? No, because someone comes in yelling.
PSA: Don’t watch this with headphones, if at all.
8. The Sound Sucks
The production quality of this show is truly remarkable. You could hold your iPhone underwater off a shaky boat in the dead of night and still get a better looking video than anything in this show.
And the only way to express how bad the sound design is would be with this haiku, because why the hell not:
They talk on the phone
No, the actor is yelling
Anytime characters use a phone or walkie talkie, the actor on the other line is literally just off camera yelling their voice-over. And who would have it any other way, really?
9. Chickens, Ice Cream and 20 Bucks
Besides the chicken running around, these people solve all of their problems with an undying love of ice cream. And there’s a recurring joke about one of the tenants, who always has a basketball and always owes the landlords twenty bucks.
Standard themes in a TV show.
10. Product Placement…Of Tommy Wiseau Underwear
If you were starting to believe that maybe Tommy Wiseau isn’t just some figment of our collective imaginations, he gets more ridiculous.
Oh yes, Tommy Wiseau has a clothing line. An underwear line, actually.
I’m half convinced this show was made specifically to advertise the underwear because in just three episodes – there have been multiple conversations about and instances of characters flashing their “TOMMY WISEAU” waistband.
11. “What A Day…”
We have a new Wiseauism in our midst, as he says this at least 13 times in two twenty minute episodes.
Tommy Wiseau can make anything quotable because his accent is a mystery and he won’t confirm what it is. Even if he did, it would probably be like Schwarzenegger’s in the sense that it doesn’t matter if you know where it’s from – it still sounds inexplicable.
12. Really Rape-y Girls
The girls in this show are aggressive…like rape-y aggressive. And I’m not saying that to be funny – it gets weird. Especially when one chick says, “It’s not over until I say it is” while trying to get into a dude’s pants, or semi-forcibly stripping the maintenance guy.
Pretty messed up stuff.
13. The Dialogue
And for this, I’ve pulled some particularly beautiful quotes that defy explanation. Hell, I’m not sure if the script is written on paper or pulled out of undoubtedly weed-fueled improv.
All I know is that no one does it quite like Tommy Wiseau. And if you’re a fan of the show or just really awful productions, give The Neighbors a watch. Because it’s hilariously awful.
Charlie (Tommy Wiseau): “She’s royalty! She’s a very picky person! You should just get her…Santa Claus! That’s what you should do”
Richard: “Princess, you’re so beautiful and glamorous and royal.”
Princess Penelope: “That’s very kind of you to say, Richard. You know what…you could be my butler.”
Philadelphia: “Let’s have a menage a trois!”
Chick Whose Name I Don’t Want To Remember: “Yes, that’s the best thing you’ve said ALL day!”
Richard: “What’s this? Enviction? Eviction?”
Bebe: “Yes, you didn’t pay your rent.”
Troy: “When I look into those brown beautiful eyes, all I see is a future…forever…CECEEEEEE! …I’m drunk.”
All images courtesy of Hulu and Wiseau Productions