Attending a red carpet premiere can be entertaining.
It’s a true spectacle for a movie-lover to be a part of a historic event like Wednesday night’s early screening of We Are Your Friends, a front-runner for Best Picture of the Year.
As I sat in my limo on the way to the theater, stroking in the inside of my tuxedo jacket, it dawned upon me. I had finally arrived…or so I thought.
As my driver pulled up in front of the theater, I grabbed my top hat, said a quick prayer and stepped out of the car and into my dreams. And as my polished shoe touched down on the gray carpet that is Roosevelt St., those dreams were staunchly replaced with a hellish nightmare of complacent normalcy. With no red carpet in sight, I soon realized this wasn’t going to be your typical movie premiere.
Welcome to the movie premiere from hell.
As I sat in my seat awaiting the early screening of We Are Your Friends to start, I couldn’t help but stare at the girl standing in front of me wearing this scandalous tight black leather dress.
This girl was truly a spectacle to admire. Not because of her beauty, but because she was capable of fitting her 275-pound body into a dress meant for a woman about half her size.
Maybe she ate the woman…right before engulfing a large bag of popcorn, nachos, and a pretzel…all before the movie even started.
And you know what the kicker was? THIS CHICK DIDN’T EVEN HAVE A TICKET FOR THE SHOW.
As Fat Carol (that’s what we are calling her) squatted her way around the theater filling empty seats with her oversized load, the lights started to dim as a woman of Asian descent jumped on the microphone.
She announced that the use of cell phones would be permitted up until the beginning of the movie, but then must be shut off for the entirety of the movie. As she said this, a group of bulking men started to align the sides of theater. Based on the way the crowd of tweeny-bopping rave babies were reacting, you’d think Jesus himself was about to enter the room.
I soon came to realize that for 99 percent of the audience in the theater, this special guest was bigger than Jesus.
At this point in the night, my attitude turned from slight anticipation to fearful confusion. In the dark of the theater, one by one cell phone lights started to illuminate the room like lightning bugs on a summer night.
Then it happened. Zac Efron entered the room.
As he made his appearance, the theater reacted in a way that was not possible even ten years ago. Every girl, and I mean EVERY girl, turned around, held up their cell phone, and desperately attempted to capture a selfie with the star of Disney’s High School Musical.
At first I was shocked. Then when Zac walked out of the theater a short minute later, I was in awe.
Remember Fat Carol? The chick who didn’t have a ticket?
Well, she wasn’t alone. And as soon as Zac left the building, so did about 10% of the audience.
So let me get this straight: Fat Carol came all the way to this premiere, dressed to impress, for what reason?
What, did you think Zac was going to see you munching on those cheesy nachos and think, “Who is that? She needs to be in my next movie. I think I want to marry this girl.”
Not only did Carol not watch the movie, but she sat outside the door of the theater for the entirety of the film hoping Zac might return to find his true love.
Okay, now that I’ve successfully ranted about one of the most indescribably mind-numbing 10 minutes of my life, let’s get onto the show!
Instead of trying to give you a rundown of the “plot” from We Are Your Friends, I’ll instead copy and paste the synopsis from the movie’s website and go from there.
“We Are Your Friends” is about what it takes to find your voice. Set in the world of electronic music and Hollywood nightlife, an aspiring 23-year-old DJ named Cole Carter (Zac Efron) spends his days scheming with his childhood friends and his nights working on the one track that will set the world on fire. All of this changes when he meets a charismatic but damaged older DJ named James (Bentley), who takes him under his wing. Things get complicated, however, when Cole starts falling for James’ much younger girlfriend, Sophie (Emily Ratajkowski). With Cole’s forbidden relationship intensifying and his friendships unraveling, he must choose between love, loyalty, and the future he is destined for.
Wow, riveting stuff from Warner Bros. and director, Max Joseph. Yes, the same Max Joseph that created MTV’s “Catfish: The TV Show”.
Let’s jump right into the critical film analysis.
First off, the protagonist’s name is Cole Carter. What a dickhead name.
Second, the movie begins with no learned context whatsoever.
The plot holes in this movie exceed the number of times Zac has his shirt off, and that’s saying something (if you’ve seen Neighbors). Really, you don’t even have to see the movie, because none of your questions will be answered before the curtain closes.
The storyline (if you can call it that) includes all of the quintessential Hollywood cliches. Here’s just a couple examples.
The Hero’s Journey
It’s the oldest story known to man. An exceptionally skilled, misunderstood dude with a tragic backstory must fight a battle they’re doomed to lose, but in defeat helps the greater good and finds inner peace.
So what was Cole’s tragic backstory? We have no idea because they give no reason as to why Cole has lived with a friend’s family since he was 15. All we know is that Cole’s mom use to teach piano and then either left or died.
Within both the romantic comedy and action genres, there’s usually a sidekick or ragtag bunch of friends that help the lead character by pushing the protagonist towards their goal.
His group of friends consists of Mason (who he lives with), Ollie (who supposedly is an actor even though he’s never shown acting) and Squirrel (the useless Jewish sidekick).
A good person will always die in the presence of friends and a dying person’s last words will always be coherent and significant.
Spoiler alert: Squirrel dies. How?
We have no clue. After the guys wake up on the floor of their apartment the morning after a party, Squirrel is just laying there dead. We’re suppose to assume he died from drug use.
Who supplied those drugs? His friends. Yet, the night after the funeral, none of them think twice about it possibly being their fault that Squirrel died. Not to mention there is no police investigation following a random, tragic death of a teen?
Drinking and Drugs
Speaking of drugs, they were used rampantly throughout the movie.
1. Guy secretly loves girl who sees him as just a friend.
2. Girl dates jerk.
3. Guy rescues girl from jerk, she realizes he’s her true love, and they live happily ever after.
That’s literally the plot of the movie..
In summary, what did we learn from We Are Your Friends?
1. Setting up your DJ equipment before a live show takes a mere 10 seconds.
2. If you wear headphones everywhere you go, including a club, people will assume you are a DJ.
3. All you need is a laptop, some skill, and one track to “latch onto a person’s heartbeat and control their circulatory system”.
4. Spliffs are for pussy Frenchmen.
5. Sneaking drugs into a music festival is easier than sneaking into a McDonald’s.
And last but certainly not least…
6. If you want to be a successful DJ, do whatever it takes. Even if that means losing all of your friends and dating your alcoholic mentor’s ex-girlfriend in the process.
In order to end this stupidly long review on a positive note, let’s talk about the soundtrack for We Are Your Friends. It’s essentially the only reason I am giving the movie a 1 out of 5-star ranking. Check out the impressive track list below and listen to a majority of them on our SoundCloud page.
Deorro ft. Erin McCarley “I Can Be Somebody”
Years & Years “Desire” (Gryffin Remix)
Hook N Sling ft. Far East Movement and Pusha T “Break Yourself”
The Americanos ft. Lil Jon, Juicy J and Tyga “BlackOut”
Scenic “Another Sky” (The Magician Remix)
Hayden James “Something About You” (Pete Tong Kingstown Remix)
Klingande ft. Broken Back “RIVA (Restart the Game)”
Will Sparks ft. Wiley and Elen Levon “Ah Yeah So What” (WAYF Edit)
AlunaGeorge “You Know You Like It” (Tchami Remix)
Dom Dolla & Go Freek “Define”
Oliver $ & Jimi Jules “Pushing On”
Seinabo Sey “Younger” (Kygo Remix)
Pyramid “Cole’s Memories” (Original Mix)
The Rapture “Sister Saviour” (DFA Dub)
Fake Blood “I Think I Like It”
Bro Safari “The Drop” (VIP Mix)
Carnage ft. I LOVE MAKONNEN “I Like Tuh”
Justice Vs. Simian “We Are Your Friends”
We Are Your Friends: Music From The Original Motion Picture is out August 21st via Interscope Records. We Are Your Friends opens in theaters across the country August 28th. See it now?