There are ways to commit suicide, and then there’s this. Competitive eater (yes, they are real people), Matt Stonie celebrated Easter by scarfing down 200 Marshmallow Peeps in 14 minutes and 12 seconds.

Why the hell not, right? It’s every man’s dream to experience death by sugar-coated marshmallow baby chicken.

Now, Stonie has eaten some shit in his day. I mean, he’s the 4th of July hot dog eating champion among a bunch of other things. But this? This is what I call fuckin’ around and catching Type 2 Diabetes (shout out Ice Cube for that one).

5,600 calories. 1360 grams of sugar. And Peeps taste like shit too. I get the whole Easter theme behind it, but couldn’t you just have eaten like six Easter hams?

Peeps are without a doubt the Steven Glansberg of holiday candy. It’s a box of sugary bullshit that we give little children because they look cute. Kids are dying because of Peeps.

You know who likes Peeps? Vladimir Putin.


And Newt Gingrich.


And the Peeping Marriot Tom who spied on Erin Andrews.

I’ll see myself out.

What I’m trying to say is that squids like Peeps — and competitive eaters are unfazed by the clear future health ramifications sure to come from this.

Stop Peeps in 2017. I’m starting it now.