The NFL season inches ever closer with the release of the 2016 Chicago Bears regular season schedule.
But after taking the weekend to review, I’m not so sure Bears fans should be overly excited for 2016 to kick off. Yeah, it’s tough to get worse than the Bears have been the last two years and with all of the personnel and coaching adjustments many people believe this team to be trending up.
However, despite the league’s second-easiest schedule the Chicago Bears are going to find immense disappointment in 2016. To the tune of going winless.
Here’s exactly how.
Week 1 — at Houston Texans
It turns out Brock Osweiler is the actual second coming of Peyton Manning. And what does Peyton Manning do to the Bears franchise? Beats them. A road game vs. the greatest thing to ever come from Arizona State University since Nick Nolte means the Bears start the season on the wrong foot.
Prediction: 31-17 Texans
Week 2 — vs Philadelphia Eagles
The Philadelphia Eagles executed the greatest addition by subtraction coup ever when they got rid of Chip Kelly. With the game in Chicago on Monday Night Football, a patented Jay Cutler poopy pants game is all but certain. Bears running back Halter Datin’ has a nice night but the Eagles win on a game-winning field goal by Vince Papale — who magically became a kicker since Mark Wahlberg put on his jersey.
Prediction: 17-14 Eagles
Week 3 — at Dallas Cowboys
Back-to-back primetime games for the Bears as they travel to Mars, Texas to play in Jerry Jones’ spaceship. Because of the lack of oxygen in Space World, the Bears physically can not complete the football game. The score at the time of the final whistle is an astounding 49-3. The Bears’ lone field goal converted by Robbie Gould still has not come down from the absence of gravity.
Prediction: 49-3 Cowboys
Week 4 — vs Detroit Lions
Chicago opens up divisional play with the Detroit Lions, a team known best for its recent government bailout. As a direct result of the bailout, NFL referees are contractually obligated to swing calls in the Lions’ favor. Though the Bears play this one close, a late pass interference on all four members of the Bears secondary gives Detroit the necessary field position to win it as time expires.
Prediction: 27-24 Lions
Week 5 — at Indianapolis Colts
The most useful tool to an NFL football player is his innate ability to intimidate his opponent. The Indianapolis Colts have the greatest intimidation tool in the league with Andrew Luck’s beard. This causes the Bears defense to not even come out for the second half. A strong performance by the offense is offset by the lack of defense and the Colts run away in the second half.
Prediction: 38-24 Colts
Week 6 — vs Jacksonville Jaguars
Allen Robinson feels really bad for Calvin Johnson, as the two have sparked a friendship in the past months. Because of Calvin’s retirement, A-Rob feels obligated to pick up Megatron’s production against NFC North teams. The Bears can find solace in the fact that they aren’t the only team that Robinson does this against. However, they get it the worst in the form of 300 yards and three touchdowns.
Prediction: 35-28 Jaguars
Week 7 — at Green Bay Packers
Ignoring last season, the Bears’ track record in Lambeau Field is not optimal. There’s no point in even joking around with this one, the Bears just suck vs the Packers. Feel free to try and convince yourself something is going to change this season. No refs, no injuries, no other bullshit; the Packers just beat down the Bears.
Prediction: 42-14 Packers
Week 8 — vs Minnesota Vikings
The top four receivers on the Vikings depth chart have combined to snag 296 career receptions in 131 career games. That is a horrendous 2.26 reception per game average. The Bears recognize this and decide to load nine men in the box to stop Adrian Peterson only to leave second-year man Stefon Diggs on an island with Kyle Fuller. Fuller gets worked and the Vikings give the Bears an aerial ambush to send them into the bye week.
Prediction: 24-20 Vikings
Week 9 — Bye
The Bears are lucky. They don’t have to lose this week.
Week 10 — at Tampa Bay Buccaneers
In the Battle of the Ex-Lovie Smith Employers, the most recent of the two ends up victorious. The Buccaneers use a strong offseason to solidify themselves as the gold standard of the NFC South as the Carolina Panthers fall flat on their faces the same way Cam Newton doesn’t fall on fumbles. The game is tight throughout but with a few clutch third down passes Jameis Winston steals one away from the Bears like some crab legs from Publix.
Prediction: 21-17 Buccaneers
Week 11 — at New York Giants
A new head coach brings new fire into the New York Giants organization as firing Tom Coughlin was as painful an ending as The Godfather, Part II when Michael kills Fredo. The point is, he had to go. It’s all about the bottom line. Newly minted Giants running back Ezekiel Elliot and his midriff run circles around the Bears’ front seven and moves the Bears to 0-10 while the Giants move to 10-0.
Prediction: 31-14 Giants
Week 12 — vs Tennessee Titans
After trading the No. 1 overall pick to the Los Angeles Rams the Titans were able to get a haul of draft picks that could immediately make an impact. Coupled with DeMarco Murray and year two of Marcus Mariota, the Titans still find themselves under .500 but show flashes of brilliance in individual games. This is one of those games.
Prediction: 24-14 Titans
Week 13 — vs San Francisco 49ers
Chip Kelly is a keen observer of the human experience and because of this, he knows full well the results of the Eagles-Bears tilt in Week 2 of this season. After seeing his former team generate immense success against Chicago, Chip coaches this game harder than any of the other 15 and that’s not good for the Bears.
Prediction: 3-0 49ers
Week 14 — at Detroit Lions
The Bears have a chance to win this game. And they come very close. Driving with only six seconds left in the fourth quarter, Jay Cutler lines up from the 23-yard-line down 24-20 and one more play. He drops back and tosses a rifle to Alshon Jeffery in the end zone. Jeffery high points the ball and comes down knees and butt on the turf, but rolls over and as he does, the ground jars the ball free as he goes to stand up.
Prediction: 24-20 Lions
Week 15 — vs Green Bay Packers
Now 0-4 in the NFC North, the Bears just don’t give a shit anymore. Despite the fact that a single win against the Green Bay Packers could make the season the team just can’t get over the hump. And by hump, I’m talking about the 50-yard line. Chicago runs one offensive play in Green Bay’s territory and it’s a nine-yard sack by Clay Matthews.
Prediction: 38-0 Packers
Week 16 — Washington Redskins
The Bears simply do not play in this game after a lengthy boycott that began roughly three hours ago. Because of the racist overtones of Washington’s team mascot, Chicago refuses to take the field for their final home game of the season out of protest of owner Daniel Snyder. Because the NFL is wacky, the victory is awarded to Washington.
Prediction: 0-0 Washington by default
Week 17 — at Minnesota Vikings
At this point in the season – sitting at 0-15 and on the verge of being the first team since the 2008 Lions to finish a season without a win – the Bears have completely packed it in. Jay Cutler can be seen smoking a cigarette on the sideline, Kyle Long is broken from having played all five offensive line positions, and John Fox’s face has transformed into a mad face emoji.
Prediction: 13-6 Vikings