Ladies and gentlemen, it’s that time of year again. The NBA Finals have arrived, and you have a rooting interest: the team LeBron James isn’t on.

Honestly, I couldn’t care less who the hell that team is. But in this instance, that team is apparently…


…The Golden State Warriors. Works for me. Go Warriors.

In years past, my desire to witness LeBron fail was driven exclusively by my hatred of King James himself. I hated him for you know, being a disingenuous megalomaniac and an unrepentant traitor. Nothing has changed on that front.

What has changed: LeBron’s move back to Cleveland has led me to almost entirely redistribute that disdain to Cavaliers fans.

In this sense, Clevelanders are plainly pathetic.

LeBron couldn’t win a title in his hometown, so he left it in the rearview mirror—but not before he embarrassed them on live TV. With his naked ass cheeks pressed against the back window (sup Slapshot), LeBron sped off for South Beach.

There is no parallel betrayal in the history of sports. At least since I’ve been watching them. 

Cleveland – fans and team alike – had a chance to show that they were not defined by one man. It would be nearly impossible to come off as anything but a sympathetic figure; however, they beat the odds in what turned into a mind-blowing arms race of stupidity.

Cavaliers fans took to the streets and waited in line to burn LeBron jerseys. Dumb, but hey, a few bitter fans don’t represent the entire Cavs organization, right? Right.

Cavaliers Fans

Yeah, really smart. (palmer156)

However, the owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers, Dan Gilbert, quite literally does represent the entire organization. And moments after LeBron’s televised announcement concluded, Gilbert enabled caps lock, disabled common sense, and authored something that resembled a deranged political manifesto.

In short, Gilbert accused LeBron of being a coward and a fraud and promised that the Cavs would win a title before he did. The problem isn’t necessarily the original sentiment; rather, it’s the hilarious result of the very public four-year divorce.

LeBron James: Made four consecutive NBA Finals appearances, winning two NBA titles.

Cleveland Cavaliers: Made skid marks.

You know the story: King James reigned over the NBA and ran circles around the Eastern Conference while the Cavaliers ran laps around the drain during their prolonged stay in the league’s toilet.

The team’s fan base quickly dried up, and Quicken Loans Arena went quiescent—unless, of course, LeBron was in town, in which case they booed their former hometown hero mercilessly. The outlook was hopeless for the Cavs, even after an unprecedented string of No. 1 overall picks. LeBron James had truly crippled the franchise.

But when James decided he wanted to return home to Cleveland this past summer, all was immediately forgiven. This time, instead of a TV special, LeBron opted for a sappy, transparent, insincere open letter. The people of Cleveland eagerly hopped in the booster seat and accepted spoons full of LeBron’s phony shit.

He wrapped himself in the Ohio flag and was forgiven immediately by the same people who torched or covered his jersey with fecal matter and publicly hanged him in effigy. It’s like the Americans forgiving Benedict Arnold after a simple apology letter.

Joakim Noah was right: Cleveland sucks. Not only does the city suck, but its sports fans are stupid.

LeBron James’ personal transition from being hated more than Ed Snowden to being worshiped more than Ed Sheeran has been effortlessly completed.

And for that, Cavaliers fans deserve nothing more than a total ass-kicking in the NBA Finals. Instead, we should all be rooting for a team whose fans are truly worthy of a championship celebration. A team like…

*checks again*

…The Golden State Warriors. Works for me. Go Warriors.