When I write about college football, it must be done in the mindset that I’m still in college. And thus, we’re kicking off a weekly segment called “Straight Shots, No Chaser” because I’m a hard ass and that’s the only way I (used to) take shots.

Like my undergrad days, I soaked in 2015’s inaugural college football Saturday the right way. I woke up at 8 am to watch College GameDay with a beer, made myself some eggs, sat my ass in front of an array of TVs, gambled my hard earned money on some 20-year-old’s and scribbled down a few notes on my phone.

I’ll do this every week of college football season for your (and my) enjoyment. Though if you want to join me and take it in live, I would allow that, too.

Either way, here’s your no bullshit review of College Football Week 1.

Don’t Fuck With Ohio State

OK, maybe I wasn’t smashed Monday night despite it being Labor Day. But shit, the most incoherent of drunken losers could see that Ohio State isn’t losing a game all season. Hell, they won’t be tested until November 20th.

If Monday night’s 42-24 road win in a hostile Lane Stadium is the closest anyone is going to come to beating the Buckeyes, then I can’t wait to see them against Penn State mid-October in Columbus (Christian Hackenberg sucks, more on that later).

Their schedule is a joke. I honestly couldn’t doctor an easier schedule using the peasants in my fantasy football leagues.

So, until that November 20th showdown vs. Sparty you can expect a hundred million highlight Vines and nine more covers against the spread for Urban Meyer and the Buckeyes.

This team is for real and I hate every single bit of it.

I’m Sipping The Josh Rosen Kool-Aid

It’s a legit possibility that the 2015 Heisman Trophy presentation is UCLA’s 18-year-old QB sensation and four Ohio State Buckeyes. Because Josh Rosen is the truth.

Starting against a top 30 total defense from 2014 in his debut, the 18-year-old true freshman lit up Virginia like a Christmas tree for 351 yards and three touchdowns, looking like a seasoned veteran in the process.

I hate riding the wave but fuck, man. Jim Mora has something special in Josh Rosen.

I say Heisman trophy frontrunner like the presentation is tomorrow, but I’m giddy thinking about this kid tearing apart Pac-12 defenses. And the Bruins avoiding Oregon this season is a huge boost for their Pac-12 title game hopes.

Perhaps it’s too early to deem anyone a Heisman favorite – after all, these types of snap reactions have burned experts and Texas A&M fans alike – but I’ll side on the prediction that Rosen is more Jameis Winston than he is Kenny Hill.

And thus, UCLA will find itself playoff bound when it’s all said and done.

The Big Ten Sucks This Year, Accept It

Ohio State is the best team in the country. Period.

Their conference, the Big Ten, is the most overrated stable of namely football ‘teams’ this side of the Mason-Dixon Line. Period.

It seems odd, you know, to call the best team the head of the worst conference. But this is a referendum on how bad the Big Ten is sans Ohio State and Michigan State.

Let’s run through the results from the rest of this ‘Power Sucks’ conference.

Michigan lost Jim Harbaugh’s coaching debut. Go ahead and laugh really hard because it’s Michigan. Minnesota lost to No. 2 TCU, although I was actually impressed by the Gophers. That defense is legit.

Purdue lost to Marshall. No, Matthew McConaughey was not coaching. Yes, “Pur-don’t” would love Kyle Orton back. Or Curtis Painter.

Indiana is a punchline. They needed a dropped two-point conversion in the final seconds to hold off Southern Illinois at home. I’m not kidding, the Hoosiers gave up 47 points (at home) to Southern freaking Illinois in a football game. Not basketball, football.

Iowa beat Illinois State 31-14. Congrats, you beat D-1 AA ISU at Kinnick Stadium. Next.

Illinois beat Kent State 52-3. Kent State was 2-9 last year so a ‘W’ for the Illini was expected, but I’ll even say I did a double-take when I saw the score. Also, we’ve seen this movie before and the Illini still suck.

Christian Hackenberg is the most overrated player in the country and he wilts under pressure like my groin area does on a sub-zero Chicago morning. You can talk about the offensive line all you want, but Hackenberg just quarterbacked a Penn State team that hadn’t lost to Temple since 1941.

That’s right, the last time Penn State lost to Temple, Pearl Harbor hadn’t happened yet. They lost 27-10 on Saturday.

Rutgers won, but they’re still Rutgers. Oh, Maryland won too, but I honestly just remembered they were in the Big Ten.

Wisconsin was overwhelmed by Alabama. No one in the world thought they would win the game, but they looked like they didn’t even belong on the field. Poor Big Cat.

In the biggest Big Ten move of the week, Nebraska paid BYU $1 million to come to Lincoln and play the Huskers. You probably saw the million-dollar ending, as BYU walked in and won on a ‘Hail Joseph Smith’ with their backup quarterback.

To make matters more laughable, it was the debut for Nebraska head coach Mike Riley –  and the last time a Nebraska head football coach lost his debut Dwight Eisenhower was still in office. And, for the icing on what now looks like a six-story wedding cake, the loss snapped Nebraska’s 29-game win streak in season openers.

Michigan State took care of business at Western Michigan. Scroll up if you want to read about Ohio State again.

And finally, I’ll end this on a positive note thanks to Pat Fitzgerald. Northwestern looked, dare I say it, good, (!) against Stanford. Then again, Evanston at 11 am is the toughest place to play in the country and the Wildcats suck virtually everywhere else.

Overall, the conference put up the most unimpressive 8-6 opening weekend you can.

And yes, I’m a hater. Get over it.

Texas A&M’s John Chavis is the single best coach in CFB

Holy shit what a defensive turnaround for the Aggies. A&M was ranked 104th in total defense in 2014, and that defense was the main reason they lost more games than they should have.

So what do they do?

Steal defensive mastermind John Chavis from LSU and hire him as their new defensive coordinator. There were times Saturday night that A&M’s front looked like some of the old LSU fronts. And that’s scary for anyone who has the Aggies on the schedule.

More specifically, any offensive coordinator that has to scheme for both Daeshon Hall and Myles Garrett should be shitting their pants.

The Texas A&M defense will finish in the top 20 by season’s end, and they were also the reason I watched A&M-Arizona State over the boring, one-sided Wisconsin-Alabama affair.

Speaking of the Bama beatdown..

Derrick Henry = T.J. Yeldon + Trent Richardson + Eddie Lacy

All rolled into one.

I’ll leave you with this:

Honestly, I’m just surprised my Twitter fingers produced a flawless tweet there considering that time stamp.

Cheers, bitches. See you after Week 2.