I bathed myself in college football this weekend, as I do every weekend.

In other words, I sat on the couch and drank beer (although I admit that I did it a touch classier in Week 2).

See, I just moved into a new apartment on Thursday and have been spending my time there in order to get acclimated (and it’s basically a hotel). This Saturday was no different. I had a few buddies come over to check it out, drank a few IPA’s and watched the Saturday slate.

I enjoyed that for about 45 minutes. Because soon after, I was in an Uber on my way to fellow 630 scribe Will Wilson’s house for the Mizzou game. And that’s when the alcohol really started flowing (but I’ll get to why in a bit).

Anywho, let’s get to it with my “Straight Shots, No Chaser” review of Week 2 in college football by pouring one out for the SEC.

Where are all my SEC truthers at?

Weird to say considering eight of the 14 teams are 2-0 and only one has started off winless. But this weekend exposed the overachievers in the once-mighty Southeastern Conference.

I’m looking at you, Arkansas, Missouri, Auburn, Tennessee, and South Carolina.

Perhaps Kentucky is currently overachieving and Tennessee is actually good, but just played one bad half of football. Florida is just Florida as usual, making us laugh in ways like this.

College Football Week 2

(via SBNation)

But I really couldn’t tell if Auburn was playing some sort of sick joke on us, like that game you played as a kid where you saw who could hold their hand on a burning stove the longest.

No one else played that? Oh, well fuck me then.

But there are without a doubt absolutes in the SEC.

I talked about Texas A&M last week. Still stands.

Ole Miss’s offense has put up 149 points in two games and their best player (Laquon Treadwell) hasn’t even found the end zone yet.

The conference is still strong this season, but it’s just not Godly.

Arkansas lost one week after I told people this team could beat anybody in the country. It turns out letting Brandon Allen throw the ball 53 times is not the recipe for success. Also, Toledo’s head coach Matt Campbell is a star in the making.

And yes if you missed it: Arkansas lost at home to Toledo.

Georgia is probably winning the SEC East. Even as a Mizzou grad, I know that Georgia is the best team in the East (Reverse jinxing so hard right now).  Which brings me to this…

Maty Mauk is just Jay Cutler who does more cocaine. 

When are people going to stop coddling Maty Mauk saying some other version of the kid is going to magically appear?

Reality check, folks. Maty Mauk is the college version of Jay Cutler.

College Football Week 2

He looks even more confused when he’s on the field. (via @MizzouFootball)

This is who he is as a quarterback. Nothing more, but a lot of the time, everything less.

His 48 percent completion rate through two games is about as impressive as a squirrel riding a mini jet ski. And his interceptions almost always come from poor decision-making and a distorted expectation in his underwhelming arm talent. Word to the wise, only because his red shirt was wasted.

Play more Drew Lock, please.

On the flip side for Mizzou fans, the defense appears to be legit again this season. Kentrell Brothers is a freak of nature and leads the college football in tackles through two weeks.

The Tigers should mop up UConn next week, but then it’s into SEC play and I don’t trust Mizzou and Maty Mauk as far as I can throw them.

Hint, that’s not far at all.

Perhaps I should convert to Mormonism.

What else is there to say about BYU through two weeks? They are without a doubt the story of college football and are doing it through some pretty staunch adversity. It’s pretty damn rare—especially for a school as boring as BYU—to catch my hazy eyes two weeks in a row.

But here we are.

Week 2 was no exception, but waking up and seeing how the Cougars won was like a bittersweet symphony, harmonized together by my love for the theatrics of college football and an overall need for money.

I mean, their quarterback Tanner Mangum looks and has the name of a kid who sells shoes at your local Macy’s. Rather, he’s leading his team to improbable victory’s versus two very good college programs.

And to my chagrin, shredding my under 57 bet to pieces all in one fail swoop.

(Screengrab from WatchESPN)

(Screengrab from WatchESPN)

The Houston Cougars are going undefeated. 

Cool statement, Brian. I remember when I cared about the American Athletic Conference.

Houston-Louisville was my matinee game of choice for two reasons. Houston was getting 14 points and I wanted to see how Louisville bounced back after their tough fight with Auburn.

It went as expected (meaning Houston won and free cheese in my pocket).

Behind dual-threat QB Greg Ward, Jr. the Cougars have an offense it can rely on and head coach Tom Herman is probably going to be coaching elsewhere larger in the very near future. But for now, the Cougars are for real and don’t have a difficult game until November 14th vs. Memphis.

And to my degenerate gambling homies, keep hammering Houston until Vegas catches up.

Corey Coleman is flat out unstoppable.

Anyone remember what it was like watching Michael Crabtree, Dez Bryant, and Justin Blackmon absolutely tear apart the Big 12? That came at a time before I started drinking, so I definitely do.

That’s Corey Coleman this season.

Between his speed and Baylor’s high-powered offensive built around fast-paced scoring through the air, Corey Coleman is the most unstoppable player in college football.

Forget price tags and shit, just throw him in all your DFS lineups. I mean, can you really cap someone who scores four touchdowns in a single game? Didn’t think so.

I would add a picture of him, but he’s too fast for any mortal cameraman to capture.

Lastly, Notre Dame needs about a million prayers right now. 

Sober, drunk, high on PCP — it doesn’t matter. If you watched the Irish narrowly escape at Virginia Saturday afternoon, then you know the Irish had no business winning that game.

And yes, losing Malik Zaire is a huge reason for that. But don’t ignore the fact that Zaire did not look good when he was on the field.

The Irish pride themselves on playing tough schedules as a result of their lack of true conference allegiance. And that is about to bite them squarely in Brian Kelly’s rosy red ass.

With three of their next five games against Georgia Tech, at Clemson, and USC – watching the Fighting Irish the next month is going to be a lot like taking straight pulls of vodka. Skol vodka.