By now, you probably know that I’m an alumnus/fan of the Missouri Tigers. And thus, I could easily write 800 words about the woes of the Tigers (especially on offense), but I’ll be quite frank – they don’t deserve it.

They’re just not that good.

The Tigers are also a big reason why “Straight Shots” comes with even less chaser this week. I’m charged up. And the alcohol was flowing on Saturday, so this should be fun.

I’ll also talk about another woe-befallen SEC East team, admit that I was wrong about the Big Ten (kind of), and officially ask Charlie Strong on a date with me.

Happy almost October with my inebriated recap of college football Week 4.

Oregon Is A Shell Of Itself Under Vernon Adams

The above screenshots are from a conversation I had on Twitter two weeks ago when the Oregon Ducks were at the tail end of losing to Michigan State.

The point here isn’t to blast Charlie for being wrong about Oregon. I see where he was coming from in his arguments. After all, going to East Lansing is no task for the meager and Oregon did play valiantly.

But what I learned during that game is that Oregon isn’t Oregon. And that Vernon Adams isn’t Marcus Mariota. He isn’t even Darron Thomas.

Vernon Adams is a talented kid in an offense that’s too big for him.

But seriously, how goddamn embarrassing (and weird) is it being the Ducks football team right now? A 43-point loss at home? I wouldn’t be showing my face on that campus right now if I was Mark Helfrich.

In the 7 losses of Chip Kelly’s four years as head coach, the Ducks lost by a combined 51 points and never by more than 13. Helfrich has losses of 22, 26, and now 42 in just over two seasons as coach.

I don’t know what it means exactly, but that stat is ridiculous.

Tennessee vs. Florida Was a Whole Lot of What The Fuck

The end result was one of the most insane finishes to a football game I’ve ever witnessed, let alone in a true rivalry game like Tennessee-Florida at “The Swamp.”

What I mean here is that neither of the head coaches in this game are very good at coaching, or they simply took Saturday afternoon off. In the process of single-handedly losing the Volunteers a football game, Butch Jones single-handedly won me money in the most heart-stopping way possible and gift-wrapped new Florida skipper Jim McElwain his first SEC home win.

Meanwhile, the Vols are slashing a giant sword through that bitch we call Preseason Hype. Half injuries, half incompetence, half coaching. Do the math, it works.

It’s a good thing for Jones and Co. that Mizzou sucks, otherwise the SEC East gutter would essentially be the entire state of Tennessee. Don’t think I’ve forgotten about you, Vanderbilt.

Let’s Burn All The Polls

Here’s what really has me charged up. There’s this really stupid and ancient practice amongst AP pollsters that says if you win you either remain in your slot or move up in the weekly polls.

Welcome to 2015, where that rule continues to prove dumb.

Somehow, TCU is still ranked 4th despite giving up 89 points in two games and struggling in Week 1 against Minnesota.

They’re still ranked ahead of their Big 12 counterpart Baylor despite the fact that the Bears are visibly better. Drunk goggles everywhere can see that, but hey “they played one less game so let’s rank them lower” seems to be the logic of the polls.

I know a team like Michigan State and its fans should be enthralled with a No. 2 ranking. But with a win against Oregon, it’s a shame they only received five first-place votes in this week’s AP Poll. Ohio State, who only put up 38 points at home to Hawaii and won 20-13 at home to Northern Illinois, received 45.

I’m not saying the Spartans are the No. 1 team in the country, but they’re right there with Ohio State at this moment in time.

Listen, I’m not a voting member of the polls so I’m merely commenting from the sidelines, but it really seems that through four weeks of the NCAAF season in 2015 the polls are as confused as ever.

Or maybe I’m still wasted.

I wish I could get Charlie Strong a drink. Or some weed. Or something. 

Brian, have you seen Charlie Strong? There’s zero chance he drinks. But after these last two weeks he really should consider starting.

I get that the head coach of the Texas Longhorns is a job that naturally comes with a zero sympathy clause in your contract, no matter how bad the situation you inherited was. But Charlie Strong deserves some.

That comes a week after the Texas kicker missed an extra point to complete a massive Longhorn comeback vs. Cal.

You can’t script anything worse than that, and Charlie Strong is taking the bulk of the heat for it.

I’m sorry, but if a collegiate punter drops the (perfect) snap and punts the ball 10 yards out of bounds, that’s his fault. That’s not coaching. That’s a punter being fucking terrible at the one thing you’re required to do in the game.

Face the facts, Texas. Your players can’t play and your coach is doing a hell of a job making you remotely respectable.

With that, I’m officially asking you Mr. Charlie Strong. Please, let me buy you a drink.

Jim Harbaugh And Michigan Will Be In The Playoff Really Soon

I want to say this year, but that would mean Michigan is beating both Michigan State and Ohio State — which I’m not ready to sign off on.

But man, Jim Harbaugh has really molded this team in his image since their opening week loss at Utah (who just beat Oregon by 43 on the road, remember). He’s molded quarterback Jake Rudock into the game manager he needs to be, the defense has given up 14 points the last three games and it appears running back De’Veon Smith likes playing for his new coach.

But perhaps most impressive is how dumb everyone (myself included) looks for writing Harbaugh and the Wolverines off after one game. I never quite singled Michigan out, but if you look back at my Week 1 Shots – I annihilated the entire Big Ten as a whole. Now they have five teams ranked in the top 25.

You hear that? That’s the sound of me chasing my crow with a swig of Popov.

Leonard Fournette is literally running away with the Heisman Trophy. 

Honestly, this speaks for itself because these stats are fucking stupid.

College Football Week 4

That’s good, right?

And when you look at his tweet before LSU’s game at Syracuse on Saturday, it’s nearly impossible to not root for this kid (if you can call him that).