Where were you on April 20th, 1991? Can’t remember?

Neither can Luke Kuechly.

Too many holiday blunts perhaps? Maybe for you.

Luke was busy fighting for his life in a Cincinnati hospital, effortlessly trying to emerge from his mother’s birthing channel.

Let’s just say, for timing sake, he was successful.

Ergo, Luke August Kuechly.

Luke grew up in the quaint town of Evendale, Ohio. The middle child of three boys, Luke spent his childhood fishing, skeet-shooting, playing dress-up and hunting.

Then 4th grade happened. What happens to 4th graders?

LOTS. Me, for example:

Used a pen for the first time. Learned how to write in cursive. Had my first girlfriend. Grew my first pit hair. Had my first kiss. Got Vermont as my state. Played the Stock Market Game. Got a boner during my first sex education class. Quit Karate. Discovered Ask Jeeves. Specifically the “boobs” function.

That was all in the 4th grade. Imagine what I could do with a full education. I could be a doctor. Or a scientist. Or a blogger.

Fortunately for the Carolina Panthers and their fans, Luke Kuechly had parents that pushed him down a suitable and righteous path; one that didn’t involve murdering the helpless.


Yes. But there’s no time for irony. Not in this sport.

That’s right, I’m talking about the best sport on the freaking face of the planet.

I’m talking about the game to end all games, the battle to end all battle, the wars to end all wars.

I’m talking about American Football.

Enter the Luke-ness Monster.

Shredder of offenses, destroyer of beasts, wooer of mothers across the Carolina’s.

After tearing up the junior high turf, it was onto St. Xavier High School in Ohio where Kuechly played linebacker and safety.

How did his high school team do?

They lost every game of his senior year. Said nobody ever.

Luke did the opposite of a defeated season, winning the Ohio state title as well as finishing at the top of several national polls as the best high school team in America. 

I wonder who Luke dated in high school?

What a stud.

If you haven’t noticed, I’m slowly developing a pretty serious man crush on Luke Kuechly. So if you still aren’t over the whole gay marriage being Americanized thing, I would quit reading this article now before I slobber bro-drool all over your forehead.

Speaking of bro-drool, let’s talk about Boston College.

Established in 1863, BC represents a distinguished, private Jesuit Catholic university rich in history, tradition, and one very notable alumnus.

You know who I’m talking about.

Bill. Romanowski.

Go read his autobiography. It will change your life.

Wait a minute, are we seriously talking about a Romo not named Tony?

Yes, we are. That’s how sports journalism works.

I wonder how many times Kuechly read the Romo book while playing for BC. Seeing as Luke was a two-time consensus All-American, I’ll set the over/under total at 8.0.

At this point in the evening you may be asking yourself:

Does the Gentleman Linebacker have any fears not named Rodgers or Brady?

That’s gonna be a no, Bob. Fearless since 2012.

Four seasons into the NFL, Luke Kuechly remains a force to be reckoned with on the field (for men) and off the field (for women).

This year, however, Luke has entered sacred territory with each and every performance.

Because that is exactly what Luke Kuechly is doing: performing.

Here are his record breaking stats through the first eleven weeks of the 2015 season (compliments of Pro Football Focus):

His 17.6 run-stop percentage is the best for any defensive player regardless of position with at least 100 snaps against the run.

Every linebacker who has at least 20 tackles in the run game this year has missed at least one tackle. Kuechly?

The 24-year-old has missed a whopping one. ONE. That’s some alien shit right there. Kuechly is also one of only seven linebackers with 30 or more tackles. Again, alien shit.

In coverage, he has three interceptions, and four passes defended with no touchdowns allowed. Don’t make me say it again. Alien shit.

And if and when quarterbacks have made the barbaric mistake of throwing the pigskin in his direction, they’ve had an NFL passer rating of 47.4, which is the second-lowest among all linebackers.

Through 11 weeks, no team has generated more turnovers and only Denver has allowed fewer yards per play than the Carolina Panthers.

Luke Kuechly is the best player on this Panthers team and it’s not even close. Yes, Josh Norman is solid and Cam Newton has played lights out so far this season. But Kuechly is of a different breed in 2015. His mutant powers have kept his team in games they should have lost, helping the Carolina Panthers become the last undefeated team in the NFL.

Luke Kuechly is the best defensive player in the NFL. While you could make an argument for JJ Watt, the answer lies in the standings. Both players have won the award once before, but this year the only number that matters is the zero in the Panthers record.

So until that zero becomes an integer, the defensive MVP trophy belongs in the delicate hands of Luke Kuechly.

Did you say delicate hands?