It’s a classic. What do you get a man who has everything in life?

The cliche response from every movie ever is love. Just love him. But something tells me that Michael Jordan isn’t in the market for a whole lot of love these days.

If that’s the case, what is there to get a man who owns a basketball team, owns the most popular sports clothing and shoe line in the world, and is the most recognized athlete in history? Our options are quite limited.

Well, maybe not.

Here are a few things I would get MJ on his 53rd birthday.

A Box of Swisher Sweets

MJ has a plethora of guilty pleasures — money, women, gambling, but perhaps none of them are more in your face than his love for a good cigar.

Well, I can’t afford MJ-type cigars so for his 53rd birthday all I can do is be ironic. So I think a box of Swisher’s is a perfect gift to give Mike on a day like this.

I mean, no big deal that Swisher Sweets haven’t been relevant since ‘Nam, or that they’re primarily smoked by high schoolers who steal them from their dad.

If anyone can appreciate a box of cigars off the rack it’s a guy who will do anything to smoke them.

Bon appetit, Mikey.

A New Tailor 

Mike loves to dress flashy and for good reason because he’s rich as shit. But sometimes, his clothes fit more like your grandfather’s suit at Sunday mass rather than the billionaire basketball owner shoe mogul that he is.

Michael Jordan

I don’t understand.

Mike needs to know that the 80’s five-button blazer isn’t in style anymore. Nor are the cream and butterscotch colored shoes, or suits in general for that matter.

For once, I think His Airness should be dressing more like the much younger Michael B. Jordan of “Creed” fame.

Who am I kidding, one of Mike’s suits are worth more than my life does as a whole so I’ll just bite my tongue. Though a fine Italian tailor would do him some justice.

An Ashley Madison Account

By all accounts Michael Jordan was not, how do I say this, a family man, per say. The dude got around outside of his marriage and by this point that’s well documented. Here’s a little snippet from a Deadspin article that came out shortly after Johnny Bach died last month:

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Now, I’m not sure if an Ashley Madison account would have been approved by MJ’s roster of former narcs. But it certainly coincides.

There’s an old saying that you can tell all you need to about a man by the byline on his Ashley Madison account.

Mike’s would surely read, “I’m real, but you’re going to need to get through my four narks first.”

Pocket Poker

I mentioned a few of 23’s vice-worthy ‘habits’ in the opener a few minutes ago and yes, perhaps the most controversial of them all is his affinity for gambling. From taking his teammates on team charters to that one little rumor about his gambling habit, the sky is the limit for MJ and his world of debauchery.

So I thought a nice birthday gift for the big man would be to get him his own handheld Pocket Poker game so that he can satisfy his gambling sweet tooth while avoiding the whole interaction with others. Plus, something like that would fit perfectly in those oversized jeans of his.

An Actual Goat

Simple — a dog, cat, fish, snake, or any other domestic household pet is not fit for the greatest of all time. The only animal truly worthy of the GOAT is an actual goat.

How badass would that be?

Also, screw you and your Bengal Tiger, Mike Tyson.

2-for-1 Tokens To The Batting Cages

Michael Jordan can probably buy himself his own batting cage, so this may not be totally plausible. But anyone who followed MJ’s baseball career (or lack thereof) knows that he could have used a few extra cuts in the cage.

Let’s get the birthday boy some extra swings so he can restore that deep love of baseball that so selfishly tore him away from the NBA for two years.