This post was co-written by Keegan Goudie and Peter Hahn. They both got really hungry after writing it.
What if the NFC North was Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s a question people have been asking for centuries. Okay, you’re right, that’s not true. But, we did ask this question while sipping on some Beck’s earlier today.
If the NFC North was Thanksgiving dinner, which team would be what? Would the Chicago Bears be the sacred turkey or just the questionable cranberries? Would Green Bay be the dessert or the obvious green bean casserole?
As sports journalists, these are the tough questions we’re forced to answer. And this year, we’ll have the honor of seeing three of four NFC North teams play on Thanksgiving Day.
If The NFC North Was Thanksgiving Dinner…
Detroit Lions = Mashed Potatoes
Whether your grandma hand-peeled every single damn potato with her bare hands, or your drunk uncle stole it from a KFC buffet, mashed potatoes will always be there.
In some form, mashed potatoes will make a tangible presence on Thanksgiving Day. They might be good, they might be bad. Except for the fact that they’ll be there, mashed potatoes are the crapshoot of Thanksgiving dinner.
Remind you of a certain football team?
As you know, the Detroit Lions are 1 of 2 teams (along with the Dallas Cowboys) that strap up the pads on every turkey day. They might make the playoffs every few years, but they’ll never make the Super Bowl. They can be really really good, or they can be really really bad. And as a whole, the Detroit Lions are pretty basic.
Kind of like mashed potatoes.
Chicago Bears = Apple Pie
It happens every year. You sit there all night, smelling it. Thinking about it. Wanting it.
As the meal progresses, you begin to wonder if you should save room for dessert. After all, that apple pie in the oven did nearly make you cream your pants. Nevertheless, you have corn casserole to finish and it’s not going to eat itself.
Then the coma kicks in. You’ve literally eaten so much food that you can no longer feel your stomach. Thus, you have absolutely no idea whether you’re full or not. So you make the right decision, pass on the pie, and decide to take some home (only for your asshole brother to eat it after you go to bed).
Once again, you have failed. And the apple pie was this year’s biggest disappointment.
You know what else was disappointing? All of these things…
· Last year’s Thanksgiving Day game, when the Bears lost to the Lions (17-34).
· Super Bowl XLI.
· Any Thanksgiving Day game that Chicago has played in since 1994.
· Hiring Marc Trestman.
· Firing Lovie Smith.
· Jay Cutler’s record against the Packers (who, by the way, he’s playing tomorrow night).
The list goes on and on, but still we believe.
We believe we’ll save room for dessert, and cap off the night with a toasty slice of apple-caramel heaven. We believe that Jay Cutler will somehow beat Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers, despite all the evidence pointing to the contrary. And that, friends, is why the Chicago Bears are the apple pie of Thanksgiving dinner.
Everybody anticipates it, but nobody ends up enjoying it.
Minnesota Vikings = Stuffing
No matter what, every single Thanksgiving, the side dish you can count on is the stuffing. It’s like a specially designed, holiday edition way to eat a lot of carbs. You really can’t mess it up that bad, and it’s always in the running for “second favorite food on Thanksgiving.”
This year, and most years, the Vikings have a solid squad. Shit, in the time since the Bears went to the Super Bowl, they’re the only team besides the Packers to win two NFC North titles.
On both or either side of the ball, they always seem to offer an underrated amount of star power. Jared Allen. Randy Moss. Darren Sharper. Daunte Culpepper.
And in 2015, from Adrian Peterson to Stefon Diggs to Everson Griffen, the team’s current roster bodes a list of solid talent all over.
That doesn’t mention promising young QB Teddy Bridgewater, who seems more than capable of becoming Minnesota’s next franchise quarterback. With the Vikings at 7-3 in Bridgewater’s second season, it appears Minnesota is in one of their “upswing” cycles.
The Vikings are always solid, but every few seasons, everything comes together and they have a legitimate contender. The Thanksgiving stuffing is always a reliable part of the overall meal, but some years Grandma makes a killer batch of moist stuffing that mixes perfectly with Aunt Joan’s gravy.
Stuffing rarely disappoints, but sometimes it pleasantly surprises. Kind of like the Minnesota Vikings.
Green Bay Packers = The Sacred Turkey
It’s not clear why we’ve named it “the sacred turkey,” but it is clear we’re ready to get the hell out of this damn office. And of course, start eating some turkey.
Everybody loves turkey. If you don’t, you’re just a hater.
The same logic should be universally said for Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers. As much as you want to hate them, there’s a 99% chance that you have a secret crush on the gold and green.
Yes, the Packers are from Green Bay, WI.
Make fun of them all you want, but even as most Bears fans will tell you – this Packers team deserves respect. I mean shit, their snap count alone is more confusing than a book about maps. And if you ever tried cooking the turkey for Thanksgiving, you’d know that shit isn’t simple.
The Packers reign supreme. And on Turkey Day, you know what else does.