On Tuesday, the Cleveland Browns did another super Cleveland Browns thing by hiring Paul DePodesta from the New York Mets to be their Chief Strategy Officer.
Let me break it down for you, because you’re not reading that wrong. Cleveland’s NFL organization, which is in complete shambles, hired an executive from one of New York’s baseball organizations.
This comes on the heels of them promoting team counsel Sashi Brown to an executive football operations position. To put that in simple terms, a baseball guy now reports to the owner and a lawyer is in charge of hiring the head coach and GM.
I have learned Paul DePodesta leaving #Mets to run the NFL Cleveland Browns as executive VP, answerable only to team owner/pres.
— Joel Sherman (@Joelsherman1) January 5, 2016
Paul DePodesta, in case you didn’t know, is the guy Jonah Hill’s character in Moneyball was based off.
This got me thinking, which names in sports would make interesting cross-sport hires?
Like, if I want a job in the NHL, but no one is hiring, can I use MLB as a launch point? Have we opened a new door to sporting hires? Is this hire going to change the world as we know it?
With those questions in mind, here are a few completely hypothetical cross-sport hires that I would love to see (and eventually laugh at).
Thanks for the free material, Cleveland Browns.
Bill Belichick — Head Coach/GM of the Philadelphia 76ers
The 76ers are in such bad shape, sitting on a hopeless horizon so vast, that Bill Belichick is the only person on this planet who can dig them out of such a wasteland.
That metaphor was as elaborate as the Sixers’ issues, and for good reason.
Belichick would crack down on Jahlil Okafor’s rampant off-the-court issues, refrain from dumb shit like drafting Joel Embiid, and be the first person to finally sit down and tell Nik Stauskas he’s actually not good at basketball.
Not to mention, he’d rival Gregg Popovich for “best in-game interview” in the NBA.
Sam Hinkie — GM of the Green Bay Packers
Speaking of the 76ers and the shit position they’re in. It’s because of this guy!
Now, don’t get me wrong, by throwing Sam Hinkie into the Frozen Tundra of Green Bay ensures that my Chicago Bears’ mortal enemy will be shit for years to come.
Trade Aaron Rodgers for future picks? Yes. Keep Eddie Lacy but don’t improve the offensive line? Yes again.
Trust the process here, Green Bay. That’s what you have to do while I sit idly by watching your organization burn to the ground—and your worthless ownership shares with it.
Theo Epstein — Is now King Jerry Jones
I don’t really know what Jerry Jones’ position (or worth) is exactly, so I’m just going to make Theo him.
He is the only person in this world that I trust to take full tyrant control of an organization in the same way that Jerry Jones has strangled the Cowboys over the past 20 years.
Theo is a disciplined and measured genius. What he was able to do with the Red Sox and what he’s currently doing with the Cubs qualifies him as a perfect fit to handle the day-to-day operation that every NFL owner needs to do.
You know, actually have his hand in everything instead of sitting back and watching his dollars stack up.
I hate the Cowboys, but it would be entertaining as hell watching Theo uncover another gold mine waiting to happen.
Mark Cuban — Owner/CEO of the New York Cosmos
This isn’t farfetched. Mark Cuban is the type of narcissistic billionaire owner who buys shit to buy shit. And buying an MLS team in New York is the definition of buying a sports team to do it.
He wouldn’t be the only one, either. Clark Hunt, owner of the Kansas City Chiefs, and his family have long history owning MLS organizations.
And no offense to Mr. Hunt, but I could see Mark Cuban actually making the MLS a product people want to watch.
Plus, I just want to get Cuban in the New York media market. Cha-ching.
Phil Jackson — VP of Football Ops of Denver Broncos
WEED. WEED. AND MORE WEED.
Phil Jackson bringing his Zen-like approach to the NFL is a match made in heaven. Especially when he heads to a state that has decriminalized marijuana for him to dabble in. I bet John Elway puffs the magic dragon himself. The two would instantly be best friends.
And there has to be a way to create the Triangle Offense of Football, which would supply Phil enough motivation to not just smoke weed.
Tom Thibodeau — Manager of the Boston Red Sox
Tom Thibodeau is a great coach who deserves a fit in a great organization. But what Thibs loves most is players who get down to the nitty-gritty, and just hammer out the fundamentals.
You know what the Red Sox don’t do? Play sound defense or pitch worth a shit.
You know what they do (do)? Hit home runs and occasionally make flashy plays. Well, basically just Mookie Betts does.
Going back a few years, imagine Thibs handling Fried Chicken-gate. I love ya Thibs, but this would just be too funny.
Jeff Fisher — Head Coach of the San Jose Sharks
The king of mediocrity. Oddly enough that’s exactly what the Sharks have been the past few years despite oodles of talent. It’s like a match made in heaven.
And the fact that he was born in Culver City, CA, I’ll make the off-hand connection pretending as if San Jose was in Los Angeles and not six hours away. The same state is close enough.
Plus, with that hair and stache, Jeff Fisher was made for the NHL.