Face it – your life is just not as good as it could be.

If there were no consequences, you would always want to exchange what you have for what someone else has. You have a banana, but you’d rather have that guy’s ice cream cone.

Your shitty Oldsmobile is functional, but you’d prefer that chick’s new Lexus, right?

Your girlfriend is adequate, but that ice cream cone might still be more to your liking. You get the point. These trade-offs would be great, but, unfortunately, they’re not realistic.

Life is full of crippling disappointments. Just take the Chicago Bulls for instance.

They had an alright season, but they’re out of the playoffs early (again). I’m from Chicago and have been a Bulls fan for as long as I can remember. But like everybody else in Chicago, I’m shit out of luck.

Right? Wrong.

I’m going to switch teams, and no one can stop me. Join me.

I had my team of legal experts search line by line through the NBA bylaws and, astoundingly, it appears that nothing in the language prohibits switching teams. As far as I know, we are free to exploit this loophole and trade allegiances as we please.

Thanks for nothing, Bulls.

I am now a Los Angeles Clippers fan. And here’s why:


They don’t call it “Lob City” for nothing. They call it that because they do lots of alley-oops.

The Clippers are easily the most exciting team left in the playoffs.

Chris Paul is an absolute magician. No, seriously. Out of thin air, he has created an NBA career for that fat ass Glen “Big Baby” Davis.

Blake Griffin and DeAndre Jordan have been attacking the rim like it slapped their mother. Their dunks are so violent that at times their style of play has frightened me. The team’s current average of 16.5 jaw-drops per game (JDPG) is easily the highest mark of any remaining playoff team.

Admittedly, Davis’s shocking obesity accounts for half of those.


Don’t be foolish enough to think that entertainment cannot also come from a complete lack of talent. Austin Rivers, the son of Clippers head coach Doc Rivers, is the worst use of an NBA jersey I’ve ever seen.

And yes, this includes all of Xzibit’s music videos from the ‘90s.

When taking contested floaters from 15-plus feet away, Rivers has connected with parts of the backboard I didn’t even know existed. It’s also must-watch TV when Hedo Turkoglu wanders off the bench and onto the court of an NBA basketball game.

He was good when I was in like 4th grade. Now, he literally wears an XXL Hanes white tee under his jersey and can’t guard the chair I’m currently sitting on.

Steve Ballmer

Barely one year after former owner Donald Sterling brought unthinkable shame to the franchise through his disgusting, racist, shit-eating actions, Steve Ballmer has done the impossible.

He’s made a sympathetic figure out of Clippers ownership.

I have no idea how Ballmer, the former CEO of Microsoft, found success in the business world (seeing as he seemingly has zero ability to control himself). After all, he is an absolute nut job during games. He sits there with a beet-red face, chomping on a Super Rope while pouring an XXL Mountain Dew down his throat.

He seems like an adrenaline junkie who just can’t get enough of the rush of being an NBA owner. Sometimes he gets so jacked up during games that he’s just like “Ahhhhhh!” and shoots himself in the dick with the t-shirt gun while laughing hysterically.

Just kidding, he hasn’t done that. Yet.

If I could hit the club with one NBA owner, I think Ballmer would have to be the guy. Although I’d be kind of worried that he would try to force me to snort cocaine off the back of a toilet seat or something.


Enough with the BS: This team at least has a chance to win a title.

They have hope. Something the Bulls have failed to give us. In this miserably disappointing life, hope is all we can ask for.

If not that, I will once again settle for the ice cream cone.

(Featured Image courtesy of Keith Allison)